We were chatting at Emmaus about our spiritual formation. I know mine seems to be ever evolving and morphing. There was a time many years ago, when I looked at my "walk with God" as given tasks to be "mastered" or Bible verses to be memorized, tasks to be honed like skills. Almost a spiritual "to do" list that spiraled up and up toward God and when everything had been checked off, poof, I would be "Holy".
Well, that is what I thought before I crashed my life.
(While I have a desire to blog on the Holiness thing, that is not this blog, and in the interest in staying on point, I'll get back to my list of skills.)
It seemed a natural mindset, you know, to think the more knowledge and skill you attained of God, the more "Holy" one would become. The fly in the pudding is that is there is an unavoidable measure of pride that gets into the mix. Look what "I" have done, or God has blessed "me" with this finished list of tasks, verses, skills...etc. It lead in my own life to a form of spiritual Pharisee-ism, a one-up-man-ship game of how spiritual I am compared to the next guy. There is within this mindset, a "look at me" attitude. Never a good thing where God is concerned, I think. As if my skills or ladder climbing matters one iota to God. And it wasn't doing much in my own formation either. The tasks became burdensome and heavy. What if I didn't measure up? What if I couldn't make the cut? Judgement loomed heavy. Someone was always higher on the ladder than I was.
And then my life crashed and I had to re-learn everything. What unfolded for me was that I already was Holy because God looked at me through eyes of Love and Grace. I didn't have the pressure of the spiritual to do list and I wasn't on the fast track to Holiness anymore. I had to give up the appearances to settle into the reality. For me, instead of an upward spiral full of tasks and burdens, my spiritual journey became a descending circle, deeper and deeper into the heart of God. Here there were no lists, there was only an unveiling of myself, a giving up, if you will, of stuff I hung on to for far too long. Each time I feel secure, another veil is lifted and I see yet another thing I have been carrying around. It feels safe, warm, freeing and intimate here. It is a place where God shows me piece by piece what I am created to be and draws me to it. There is no measure of another here. It is the beginning of giving myself.
Somehow, I think I will continually be beginning. I'm okay with that.
K
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
A Teachable Spirit?
I have been working with the boy lately, cleaning and organizing some of his stuff around the house. I came upon a pile of his schoolwork from grade school days. I had gathered it and set it aside to "deal with" later. Today was later. I smiled as I went through it knowing I was holding precious work. Work that visibly shows his growth both in individual skills but also shows his growth as a human being. This pile dates back to age 4 or 5 and he is currently 15, so you can imagine the span of work I held in my hands.
I sat down and took some time to take this walk down memory lane. So much change. So much growth. Young hearts are so eager to know, and conquer, and explore. So much joy taken and given in the learning process. Such a great teachable spirit. So many fun stories, so much joy for all of us watching him, helping him grow into what he is created to be. (At 15, I must confess, not always so much fun now)
What about me? Do I still have it? Did I lose it, that teachable spirit? Has the day become something to just get through? In the process of "growing up" have I forgotten how to get excited about learning, growing and changing? Maybe I just want to be engaged in the creative "fun" learning... but then I would miss the excitement and accomplishment of achieving the difficult and I would cheat myself out of the real self worth gained by the disciplined action of seeing something through. And I would miss having fun stories to tell of my adventures along the way!
Something to be careful of, losing this teachable spirit thing. Pretty sure God is still at work growing me into what I was created to be. I best pay attention!
K
I sat down and took some time to take this walk down memory lane. So much change. So much growth. Young hearts are so eager to know, and conquer, and explore. So much joy taken and given in the learning process. Such a great teachable spirit. So many fun stories, so much joy for all of us watching him, helping him grow into what he is created to be. (At 15, I must confess, not always so much fun now)
What about me? Do I still have it? Did I lose it, that teachable spirit? Has the day become something to just get through? In the process of "growing up" have I forgotten how to get excited about learning, growing and changing? Maybe I just want to be engaged in the creative "fun" learning... but then I would miss the excitement and accomplishment of achieving the difficult and I would cheat myself out of the real self worth gained by the disciplined action of seeing something through. And I would miss having fun stories to tell of my adventures along the way!
Something to be careful of, losing this teachable spirit thing. Pretty sure God is still at work growing me into what I was created to be. I best pay attention!
K
Friday, April 1, 2011
Pondering's of People we Love
Mark and I made several car trips to Seattle this week that were, of course, during rush hour. Strange conversations can come while you are sitting in traffic...
Pondering a situation with people we know and love dearly, we debated about if/how we could help. It is one of the truly difficult parts of being in relationships. On the one hand, we truly want to love and accept these people where they are, as they are, with no judgement or strings attached... On the other hand, we can see how easy it is to settle into old thought patterns or choices and not do the hard work they have told us they want to be about. Hmmmm. Risk saying something? Watch as old self-destructive patterns play out?
Tough stuff really, isn't it? I think this may be one of the toughest conversations we have about community life. When you choose to be involved in a community, you choose, sometimes by default, to have other people "in your business" so to speak. And most everyone I know is carrying the scars of a relationship gone bad. Jesus communities are famous for this. Someone saying something they shouldn't have. Judgement called down. Painful wounds inflicted. Scars carried forever. Someone leaves, sometimes forever.
So we shy away from saying anything. But is that the Jesus way? I really don't know. On the one hand, I believe God is big enough to do whatever work is necessary. On the other hand, my life has been truly blessed (and transformation enhanced) by people I love, who took that very risk and spoke with love the hard stuff to me. I can still name the people and the situations. They called me accountable to who I said I wanted to be, and held a mirror up to me. I loved them, and while I was angry for a while, I knew they were telling me the truth and shining light on something I would rather pretend wasn't there.
But I too have had those other experiences. Where I feel judged, and not enough, and like the yardstick has been placed beside me to show me just how little I am and how far I fall short.
*SIGH and double sigh*
So I don't really have an answer here. I do know, as Jesus followers, we all are to "take on the mind, spirit and attitude of Christ"** and I know that old destructive patterns are not that attitude. So how do we call each other to be all that we are created to be and leave the judgement in the trash outside? How do we love people into kingdom life? How do we heal old hurts and help each other move further and deeper into Christ? How do we balance "being real" with living "transformed" lives?
K
**Philippians 2:5
Pondering a situation with people we know and love dearly, we debated about if/how we could help. It is one of the truly difficult parts of being in relationships. On the one hand, we truly want to love and accept these people where they are, as they are, with no judgement or strings attached... On the other hand, we can see how easy it is to settle into old thought patterns or choices and not do the hard work they have told us they want to be about. Hmmmm. Risk saying something? Watch as old self-destructive patterns play out?
Tough stuff really, isn't it? I think this may be one of the toughest conversations we have about community life. When you choose to be involved in a community, you choose, sometimes by default, to have other people "in your business" so to speak. And most everyone I know is carrying the scars of a relationship gone bad. Jesus communities are famous for this. Someone saying something they shouldn't have. Judgement called down. Painful wounds inflicted. Scars carried forever. Someone leaves, sometimes forever.
So we shy away from saying anything. But is that the Jesus way? I really don't know. On the one hand, I believe God is big enough to do whatever work is necessary. On the other hand, my life has been truly blessed (and transformation enhanced) by people I love, who took that very risk and spoke with love the hard stuff to me. I can still name the people and the situations. They called me accountable to who I said I wanted to be, and held a mirror up to me. I loved them, and while I was angry for a while, I knew they were telling me the truth and shining light on something I would rather pretend wasn't there.
But I too have had those other experiences. Where I feel judged, and not enough, and like the yardstick has been placed beside me to show me just how little I am and how far I fall short.
*SIGH and double sigh*
So I don't really have an answer here. I do know, as Jesus followers, we all are to "take on the mind, spirit and attitude of Christ"** and I know that old destructive patterns are not that attitude. So how do we call each other to be all that we are created to be and leave the judgement in the trash outside? How do we love people into kingdom life? How do we heal old hurts and help each other move further and deeper into Christ? How do we balance "being real" with living "transformed" lives?
K
**Philippians 2:5
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Always learning
I was at work the other day and I over heard a couple of tennis players chatting. One player was clearly advanced in her ability yet she was telling the newby that she had scheduled a number of lessons with a tennis pro in Seattle. The newer player exclaimed "Really??? YOU still take lessons? I'm shocked!" The more advanced player smiled kindly and said simply "Now I know enough to know I need guidance to play my best game. After a couple of lessons, I find I am excited to play again. I'm always learning."
Wow. That spoke volumes to me. Now I'm no tennis player, but I am a student of Christ. A Jesus follower. And I have been hanging out with and around Jesus followers for a while now... I gotta tell you, it's not often I hear anyone say they need to go study with someone, to get some "guidance"" so to speak, to be "on their game". Nope. Mostly it's just folks thinking they have the "formula" or "recipe" down pat. We memorize scripture, we know our theology and our history. Not to say there haven't been times when we were vibrantly alive and involved with our faith. But for the most part the passion has settled into a comfortable routine with God. Now maybe that's because I'm a Baptist and we are kinda big on the whole "priesthood of believers" thing... but maybe we Jesus followers just get comfortable with what we (think we) know, bad habits and all. Me included.
So where would I go? Who would I want to spend time with? Well, I'm kinda a fan of "the old dead guys," so for me the first place I would go is probably Camp Bethel, toting a pile of books with writings of the Saints of old and some great music (hymns). No phone, no television, just books, music, prayer, God and me. Maybe after a week or two, I could feel that passion anew and have a centered focus renewed. Ahhh, but then, I had a client tell me about a Catholic retreat center outside Tucson that you can stay for contemplative time. The minimum stay is 30 days and you can stay up to 4 months. Now while you might think me nuts, I am strangely attracted to it. Not sure how long I could stay. I imagine, like prayer, you should probably start out small, and work you way up to longer and longer times. But I'm thinking it would probably take me a week to just clear my head and sleep. Then I might be open to what the Spirit had to say. I have visions of a time set aside like that as being pivotal.
Perhaps as Lent moves towards Good Friday, this is all a good reminder for me to plan time to "get some guidance" and refresh my soul (my "game" so to speak). Perhaps I need to make myself available for God to be at work in me. Even Michelangelo at age 87 said "I am still learning". I should be so blessed.
K
Wow. That spoke volumes to me. Now I'm no tennis player, but I am a student of Christ. A Jesus follower. And I have been hanging out with and around Jesus followers for a while now... I gotta tell you, it's not often I hear anyone say they need to go study with someone, to get some "guidance"" so to speak, to be "on their game". Nope. Mostly it's just folks thinking they have the "formula" or "recipe" down pat. We memorize scripture, we know our theology and our history. Not to say there haven't been times when we were vibrantly alive and involved with our faith. But for the most part the passion has settled into a comfortable routine with God. Now maybe that's because I'm a Baptist and we are kinda big on the whole "priesthood of believers" thing... but maybe we Jesus followers just get comfortable with what we (think we) know, bad habits and all. Me included.
So where would I go? Who would I want to spend time with? Well, I'm kinda a fan of "the old dead guys," so for me the first place I would go is probably Camp Bethel, toting a pile of books with writings of the Saints of old and some great music (hymns). No phone, no television, just books, music, prayer, God and me. Maybe after a week or two, I could feel that passion anew and have a centered focus renewed. Ahhh, but then, I had a client tell me about a Catholic retreat center outside Tucson that you can stay for contemplative time. The minimum stay is 30 days and you can stay up to 4 months. Now while you might think me nuts, I am strangely attracted to it. Not sure how long I could stay. I imagine, like prayer, you should probably start out small, and work you way up to longer and longer times. But I'm thinking it would probably take me a week to just clear my head and sleep. Then I might be open to what the Spirit had to say. I have visions of a time set aside like that as being pivotal.
Perhaps as Lent moves towards Good Friday, this is all a good reminder for me to plan time to "get some guidance" and refresh my soul (my "game" so to speak). Perhaps I need to make myself available for God to be at work in me. Even Michelangelo at age 87 said "I am still learning". I should be so blessed.
K
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Those pesky persistent things...
Tonight at Emmaus Mark asked us to ponder "What is wrong with our world today?"
Oh my where to begin...
Wars? Poverty? Greed? The plethora of social justice issues? Power hungry politicians that sell out their people to maintain the status quo or gain even more power or wealth? Corporations greedily enhancing their profit margins at the expense of human beings or the ecosystem ? People too afraid of law suits so they won't do "the right" thing? Parents too busy with their lives to parent? Teachers too overwhelmed by student load to effectively teach? The list can go on and on.
Now I'm no rocket scientist... but as pressing and important as any one of those issues may be, somehow, I don't think they are "what's wrong" with our world. I would submit it is as old as the garden of Eden. In my humble opinion, "what's wrong", may boil down to just a couple of pesky, persistent things...
So here we go... Feel free to disagree... I won't be offended.
First and foremost I think it's selfishness. I know for me, at the core of who I am, when I am most honest with myself, I want my own way. And that's not enough, I want you to want it too! Somehow, I don't think this makes me special or different than most folks wandering the globe today. When I look at the list above, I think pretty much the whole thing falls into this category, doesn't it? If you have doubts, browse any bookstore (Christian or secular), aisle after aisle of self help books on how to get what you want out of life. A prominent television preacher even published a best seller on how to have your "best" life. And he gives it to you in seven easy steps! (As if the life you currently have is less than "best"? Really?) So there you have it! Seven steps to have YOUR best life. Hmmm. The reality that we are so consistently drawn to information, philosophies and self help guru's (inside or outside Christendom) surely reinforces this point. We are told to "visualize our reality" and "put out in the universe" or my personal favorite, "pray for God's best blessing" on what you want, whether it be a huge new house or a new shiny new Rolls Royce.
We really aren't a selfless people are we.
But as bad as that is, I'm not sure that's the worst of it. It feels like there is a more dangerous game afloat. An increasing attitude that I would say could certainly be called a new hedonism. It is more and more culturally acceptable for us as individuals to focus on our pleasure. If someone is uncomfortable, for almost any reason, for me to be around, I don't have to. Culturally, I can effectively validate almost any type of self-absorbed, pleasure-centered behavior. After all, it's my right isn't it? ... To pursue happiness... pleasure. Self-indulged, immediate, satisfying pleasure. Isn't it? Almost daily there are glaring examples either in the news or in some online article being promoted. And Christians are right there in the thick of it. Who could expect us to be any different? We are bombarded daily with images and words supporting this new hedonism. Troubling to be sure.
Is that who we are called to be? Selfish, pleasure seeking individuals? Surely God has a better life for us than this shallow shell of one we have settled for! Surely in God's realm, "the other" matters. Surely in God's plan, sacrifice and perseverance lead to maturity. Surely I am called to live beyond this base level that any of mankind can settle for. Surely there is a place for selfless love and mercy. Surely grace redeems hearts. Surely forgiveness heals wounds.
Oh Lent. Such a time of reflection. May it lead to growth in grace and love.
K
Oh my where to begin...
Wars? Poverty? Greed? The plethora of social justice issues? Power hungry politicians that sell out their people to maintain the status quo or gain even more power or wealth? Corporations greedily enhancing their profit margins at the expense of human beings or the ecosystem ? People too afraid of law suits so they won't do "the right" thing? Parents too busy with their lives to parent? Teachers too overwhelmed by student load to effectively teach? The list can go on and on.
Now I'm no rocket scientist... but as pressing and important as any one of those issues may be, somehow, I don't think they are "what's wrong" with our world. I would submit it is as old as the garden of Eden. In my humble opinion, "what's wrong", may boil down to just a couple of pesky, persistent things...
So here we go... Feel free to disagree... I won't be offended.
First and foremost I think it's selfishness. I know for me, at the core of who I am, when I am most honest with myself, I want my own way. And that's not enough, I want you to want it too! Somehow, I don't think this makes me special or different than most folks wandering the globe today. When I look at the list above, I think pretty much the whole thing falls into this category, doesn't it? If you have doubts, browse any bookstore (Christian or secular), aisle after aisle of self help books on how to get what you want out of life. A prominent television preacher even published a best seller on how to have your "best" life. And he gives it to you in seven easy steps! (As if the life you currently have is less than "best"? Really?) So there you have it! Seven steps to have YOUR best life. Hmmm. The reality that we are so consistently drawn to information, philosophies and self help guru's (inside or outside Christendom) surely reinforces this point. We are told to "visualize our reality" and "put out in the universe" or my personal favorite, "pray for God's best blessing" on what you want, whether it be a huge new house or a new shiny new Rolls Royce.
We really aren't a selfless people are we.
But as bad as that is, I'm not sure that's the worst of it. It feels like there is a more dangerous game afloat. An increasing attitude that I would say could certainly be called a new hedonism. It is more and more culturally acceptable for us as individuals to focus on our pleasure. If someone is uncomfortable, for almost any reason, for me to be around, I don't have to. Culturally, I can effectively validate almost any type of self-absorbed, pleasure-centered behavior. After all, it's my right isn't it? ... To pursue happiness... pleasure. Self-indulged, immediate, satisfying pleasure. Isn't it? Almost daily there are glaring examples either in the news or in some online article being promoted. And Christians are right there in the thick of it. Who could expect us to be any different? We are bombarded daily with images and words supporting this new hedonism. Troubling to be sure.
Is that who we are called to be? Selfish, pleasure seeking individuals? Surely God has a better life for us than this shallow shell of one we have settled for! Surely in God's realm, "the other" matters. Surely in God's plan, sacrifice and perseverance lead to maturity. Surely I am called to live beyond this base level that any of mankind can settle for. Surely there is a place for selfless love and mercy. Surely grace redeems hearts. Surely forgiveness heals wounds.
Oh Lent. Such a time of reflection. May it lead to growth in grace and love.
K
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Lent-Colbert Style
We're big Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert fans at our house. So after a long day which including setting up for the Ash Wednesday service as well as facilitating the service, it was nice to decompress a bit by going out for a post-Ash dinner with about half a dozen of the Emmaus House community. After some good conversation and a yummy curry dish, I went home to check on the family. It had been a pretty tough day for Kathleen and she was exhausted so she ended going to bed early. I too was feeling the tiredness of the day, but I still was kind of wound-up, so I watched a little TV and watched Stewart and Colbert. I found myself drifting in and out until I heard Colbert make the following statement:
"The ash on my forehead is a Christian symbol of sacrifice, penance and mortality. It's basically the hand stamp for God's nightclub."
It made me laugh outloud. Colbert does that for me. He is so honest, and witty and insightful and irreverent and faith-full all rolled up into this on-air persona. Plus, he's just hysterical to listen to. Outside of TV land, Colbert is a man of faith, of the Catholic persuasion, who is transparent enough to make light of those who claim to follow God through Christ, and who sometimes miss the mark. His assessments of the faithful plays out in an "adventures in missing the point" (stealing the title of a Tony Campolo/Brian McClaren book) lampoon. Why can't we see our brokenness played out in our faith journey, where more often than not, we miss the point of how Jesus lived as well as what he taught?
Sacrifice...penance...mortality. That's pretty weighty stuff. Who would want to go to that kind of nightclub? Seems pretty depressing and dismal to me. I bet the only kind of music they would play is dirges. But maybe that's the point of Lent. No, not all of that murky, dark, depressing thing, I can get that anytime. Maybe Lent is more about saying that for the next 40 days I will intentionally live, examine and focus on the ways "sacrifice, penance and mortality" are being played out in my life as well as the faith communities I/we belong to.
We often forget that there are two sides to God's kingdom. One one side of the coin there is sacrifice, penance and mortality but those lead to the other side, which is freedom, forgiveness and life. Those three things, freedom, forgiveness and life is pretty good stuff. Those latter three things make me smile and laugh and make me pretty hopeful for whatever tomorrow brings me. Freedom, forgiveness and life reminds me that God's nightclub is multi-faceted with a variety of styles and rhythms that are being played out all around us.
So if you want to know what Lent is about, from this American Baptist perspective, take a clue from Stephen Colbert and focus on sacrifice, penance and mortality. If you do, you just find the other side of resurrection day: freedom, forgiveness and life! May you rock the next 40 days my friends!
-M-
"The ash on my forehead is a Christian symbol of sacrifice, penance and mortality. It's basically the hand stamp for God's nightclub."
It made me laugh outloud. Colbert does that for me. He is so honest, and witty and insightful and irreverent and faith-full all rolled up into this on-air persona. Plus, he's just hysterical to listen to. Outside of TV land, Colbert is a man of faith, of the Catholic persuasion, who is transparent enough to make light of those who claim to follow God through Christ, and who sometimes miss the mark. His assessments of the faithful plays out in an "adventures in missing the point" (stealing the title of a Tony Campolo/Brian McClaren book) lampoon. Why can't we see our brokenness played out in our faith journey, where more often than not, we miss the point of how Jesus lived as well as what he taught?
Sacrifice...penance...mortality. That's pretty weighty stuff. Who would want to go to that kind of nightclub? Seems pretty depressing and dismal to me. I bet the only kind of music they would play is dirges. But maybe that's the point of Lent. No, not all of that murky, dark, depressing thing, I can get that anytime. Maybe Lent is more about saying that for the next 40 days I will intentionally live, examine and focus on the ways "sacrifice, penance and mortality" are being played out in my life as well as the faith communities I/we belong to.
We often forget that there are two sides to God's kingdom. One one side of the coin there is sacrifice, penance and mortality but those lead to the other side, which is freedom, forgiveness and life. Those three things, freedom, forgiveness and life is pretty good stuff. Those latter three things make me smile and laugh and make me pretty hopeful for whatever tomorrow brings me. Freedom, forgiveness and life reminds me that God's nightclub is multi-faceted with a variety of styles and rhythms that are being played out all around us.
So if you want to know what Lent is about, from this American Baptist perspective, take a clue from Stephen Colbert and focus on sacrifice, penance and mortality. If you do, you just find the other side of resurrection day: freedom, forgiveness and life! May you rock the next 40 days my friends!
-M-
Monday, February 28, 2011
Feet of Jello
I'm still trying to get my feet under me. There are things I know to be true in my mind and heart and yet, I still have this churning of uneasiness as if I don't quite have my footing. It is as if at any moment, I could slide down a steep hill into a huge pool of angry water. (Picture an over sized washing machine gone mad) Sounds like a bad Alice in Wonderland adventure doesn't it?
It's not that any one particular thing is hanging around looking for ways to trip me, no this is more an irrational feeling linked to emotional, physical and spiritual exhaustion. It could almost be described as fear but is probably more accurately described as a feeling of not being enough. A feeling of not being strong enough, wise enough, spiritual enough, fit enough, organized enough... well, you get the picture.
Life, well everything really, feels risky when you feel like you are not enough. Basic, simple tasks seem daunting. I second guess most decisions, even silly ones like what product to get at the grocery store. My nerves are a bit fried and I don't laugh as easily as I did a while ago. And I snap at my family. All in all, I am, once again, a mess.
It's not a new feeling. I've been here before. The thing I notice in getting older, is knowing that this unsettling feeling won't last for ever. It too will go one day. I have weathered a storm like this before. However, for the record, let me say clearly: I didn't like it then and I don't like it now.
The good news in all of this is: I do know, absolutely that God's love and grace are with me in my churning, uneasy, mess of a self. I need not run or hide. I need not pretend to have it all together. I know that God is big enough to handle all of the mess that is me. I know it better than I know my name because I have experienced it in those earlier storms. It is times like these that I am reminded that I am loved not for what I "can do for" God (silly thought isn't it?), but I am loved because I am, and God understands me and my journey far better than I do.
St. John Chrysostom said: God is not ignorant of anything that happens in creation, and if God loves us more truly than the best human father, and if God loves us so as to number our very hairs, then we need not be afraid.... He already knows the secrets of your heart.
I believe that. I believe God is not ignorant of anything that happens. I believe God loves us better than the best human father. I believe God knows the secrets of my heart. And I believe God is at work for good. Even if it doesn't feel like it.
Okay, so my feet may indeed be jello right now, but stay tuned, God is pretty creative, no telling what's coming...
K
It's not that any one particular thing is hanging around looking for ways to trip me, no this is more an irrational feeling linked to emotional, physical and spiritual exhaustion. It could almost be described as fear but is probably more accurately described as a feeling of not being enough. A feeling of not being strong enough, wise enough, spiritual enough, fit enough, organized enough... well, you get the picture.
Life, well everything really, feels risky when you feel like you are not enough. Basic, simple tasks seem daunting. I second guess most decisions, even silly ones like what product to get at the grocery store. My nerves are a bit fried and I don't laugh as easily as I did a while ago. And I snap at my family. All in all, I am, once again, a mess.
It's not a new feeling. I've been here before. The thing I notice in getting older, is knowing that this unsettling feeling won't last for ever. It too will go one day. I have weathered a storm like this before. However, for the record, let me say clearly: I didn't like it then and I don't like it now.
The good news in all of this is: I do know, absolutely that God's love and grace are with me in my churning, uneasy, mess of a self. I need not run or hide. I need not pretend to have it all together. I know that God is big enough to handle all of the mess that is me. I know it better than I know my name because I have experienced it in those earlier storms. It is times like these that I am reminded that I am loved not for what I "can do for" God (silly thought isn't it?), but I am loved because I am, and God understands me and my journey far better than I do.
St. John Chrysostom said: God is not ignorant of anything that happens in creation, and if God loves us more truly than the best human father, and if God loves us so as to number our very hairs, then we need not be afraid.... He already knows the secrets of your heart.
I believe that. I believe God is not ignorant of anything that happens. I believe God loves us better than the best human father. I believe God knows the secrets of my heart. And I believe God is at work for good. Even if it doesn't feel like it.
Okay, so my feet may indeed be jello right now, but stay tuned, God is pretty creative, no telling what's coming...
K
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Vigil
This past weekend, Kathleen's family gathered in the small town of Payson, Arizona to stand watch as Kath's mom's battle with cancer came to a close. It was sad, it was draining, but it was also a time of laughter, the re-telling of favorite stories and just being family. God was present, which shouldn't be a surprise but it always is for some strange reason. Maybe it has more to do with my paper-thin faith, my brokenness; or maybe that's just the nature of God and God's kingdom. It's kind of like the scene from The Chronicles of Narnia, when Aslan is walking along the beach one moment and the next he's gone. Hmm?
On Sunday, as we were present with the mom-in-law, I started journaling a bit about this notion of vigil. My sister-in-law is from Mexico and is devoutly Catholic. For her, vigils have rules. There is form and structure to them. You stand vigil for so many days, you pray certain prayers, you use the rosary, you...you get the idea. For me, our vigil was what you do when words are no longer enough anymore. Maybe that's my growing up Baptist. Anyway, I was just struck by this notion of holding vigil over Kathleen's mom.
How do we do this dance with death? Its not like there's a rule book. How do we deal with the unkown? I know that for those of us who follow Jesus, we believe there is another space/place where God's presence envelops us. In that we take comfort, but it doesn't always ease the burden of saying good-bye or keeping vigil. Where does our Hope for something more than this life intertwine with our keeping watch over someone as they prepare to leave this life into something more? How? I'm not sure, other to say, imperfectly.
Closer now...breathing a little more shallow...how do you say goodbye? I start to think of my own parents; about them in this situation, of how I/we would hold vigil over them. Sad.
It's probably to soon to write this, too soon to post it, yet it's hard to do anything else but to think about it; our keeping vigil over Donna. It's hard not to think of her, to miss her, to love her, to want a different outcome than what we got. It's hard cause I see the pain in my wife's face, in her voice, in the voices and faces of her brothers, of my children...of Ev and his life without her after all these years with her...
Dying is hard work...vigils are hard... may we all be surprised by the Hope
-M-
On Sunday, as we were present with the mom-in-law, I started journaling a bit about this notion of vigil. My sister-in-law is from Mexico and is devoutly Catholic. For her, vigils have rules. There is form and structure to them. You stand vigil for so many days, you pray certain prayers, you use the rosary, you...you get the idea. For me, our vigil was what you do when words are no longer enough anymore. Maybe that's my growing up Baptist. Anyway, I was just struck by this notion of holding vigil over Kathleen's mom.
How do we do this dance with death? Its not like there's a rule book. How do we deal with the unkown? I know that for those of us who follow Jesus, we believe there is another space/place where God's presence envelops us. In that we take comfort, but it doesn't always ease the burden of saying good-bye or keeping vigil. Where does our Hope for something more than this life intertwine with our keeping watch over someone as they prepare to leave this life into something more? How? I'm not sure, other to say, imperfectly.
Closer now...breathing a little more shallow...how do you say goodbye? I start to think of my own parents; about them in this situation, of how I/we would hold vigil over them. Sad.
It's probably to soon to write this, too soon to post it, yet it's hard to do anything else but to think about it; our keeping vigil over Donna. It's hard not to think of her, to miss her, to love her, to want a different outcome than what we got. It's hard cause I see the pain in my wife's face, in her voice, in the voices and faces of her brothers, of my children...of Ev and his life without her after all these years with her...
Dying is hard work...vigils are hard... may we all be surprised by the Hope
-M-
Monday, February 21, 2011
A Paradox of Love and Faith
It's been a week and a day since my mom died. A tough week and a day. My thoughts ramble. Concentration is difficult. My eyes leak at the most inopportune times. But today, as I was writing letters to my aunts and uncles remembering my Mom with them, a thought came to the forefront;
"It is clear that a piece of our hearts is forever gone. We will always miss her laugh, her smile and the way she raised that one eyebrow when she meant business. Even so, I am certain, with every fiber of my being, that we will always carry her in our heart... and so she shall never be far from us."
Quite the paradox isn't it.
Forever gone, but forever here. Hmmm.
Grief is a strange thing, we miss and deeply grieve not seeing their smiles and hearing their laugh. Rightly so. In my mother's situation she had lived a very fulfilling life. She loved deeply and was deeply loved. She was surrounded by those who love her when she quite literally went to sleep here and woke up in heaven. All in all, as things could go, it was very peaceful and quiet. And the truth is, had she lived another 30 years, we her family, would have wanted more time still. It would never have been enough. Our grief was, and still is, intense, but there is much to be celebrated in a life well lived and well loved.
My faith tells me that she is not gone (as in vaporized), she is not alone, nor floating in some vast abyss. My faith tells me she is experiencing the fullness of God's love and tender care. She is with the loved ones she missed and cried for. She is experiencing God as we were intended to. Maybe the streets are gold there, (sure, why not) but they have never been the carrot dangling in front of me to entice me to "be good". If that works for you then great, but for me heaven is all about the people and the love. The feeling of being totally understood and accepted.
*Sigh* Who wouldn't want that?
So I will miss her terribly, and my eyes will leak at crazy times, and yes she is gone, but no not really.
K
"It is clear that a piece of our hearts is forever gone. We will always miss her laugh, her smile and the way she raised that one eyebrow when she meant business. Even so, I am certain, with every fiber of my being, that we will always carry her in our heart... and so she shall never be far from us."
Quite the paradox isn't it.
Forever gone, but forever here. Hmmm.
Grief is a strange thing, we miss and deeply grieve not seeing their smiles and hearing their laugh. Rightly so. In my mother's situation she had lived a very fulfilling life. She loved deeply and was deeply loved. She was surrounded by those who love her when she quite literally went to sleep here and woke up in heaven. All in all, as things could go, it was very peaceful and quiet. And the truth is, had she lived another 30 years, we her family, would have wanted more time still. It would never have been enough. Our grief was, and still is, intense, but there is much to be celebrated in a life well lived and well loved.
My faith tells me that she is not gone (as in vaporized), she is not alone, nor floating in some vast abyss. My faith tells me she is experiencing the fullness of God's love and tender care. She is with the loved ones she missed and cried for. She is experiencing God as we were intended to. Maybe the streets are gold there, (sure, why not) but they have never been the carrot dangling in front of me to entice me to "be good". If that works for you then great, but for me heaven is all about the people and the love. The feeling of being totally understood and accepted.
*Sigh* Who wouldn't want that?
So I will miss her terribly, and my eyes will leak at crazy times, and yes she is gone, but no not really.
K
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
My Heart's Picture
I hold in my heart a picture that developed over the last weekend. I shall try, though my words may be inadequate, to describe the vision I hold in my heart;
Our scene opens on a dense, thick wooded hillside mixed with Ponderosa Pines, Cottonwoods and Quaking Aspen trees. Thick Oak shrubs color the forest floor. A deep fog has settled in and rests heavy over the woods. Into this, a beautiful, fair skinned, red-haired, beauty of a woman winds her way down a thin trail through the thick woods. She is leaving behind misty figures waving goodbye, but she can still hear their soft voices, warm with love. As she emerges from the woods the warm sun catches her hair and it shimmers like dark polished copper. She steps onto the meadow and is immediately overwhelmed with the vast magnitude and beauty of what she sees: a field bursting with spring flowers, rimmed by towering snow capped mountains. The colors have never been more beautiful and the sounds of the forest are as clear as a church bell on a quiet Sunday morning. She can hear the sound of a creek gurgling close by, not too loud, as the water churns and flows over the rocks. It's the kind of creek she remembers from her youth, and her heart and mind are suddenly filled with warm memories of playing at Workman Creek with her brothers and sisters. The air is crisp and clean; just a whisper of a breeze. Taking a deep breath, it feels as though she has never really taken a breath before, certainly nothing like this one! The scene is captivating, her senses alive. It's as if every flower, every bird, breeze and rustle of grass were created just for her.
Off to her right Roy, a fine, handsome, strapping young man, has two horses saddled and ready for a morning ride. He smiles and winks at her. "Hi Grandma. Thought you might want to ride Beau today. I've got he and Harvey all ready... and you know that #7 has to tag along!" He offers to help her mount but she raises her eyebrow and gives him "that look". Nope. No help needed thank you very much! The smell of the leather reminds her of Grumpa cleaning the saddles and as she mounts the saddle creaks sharp and clear. They ride, they talk of love and of people oh so dear to both of them. Hours pass. They ride on and that silly 'ol burro, (#7) just plods along behind them. They laugh and joke, they smile and remember. It's getting close to noon now so Roy takes her along the creek, to the swimming hole, so the horses can drink. A rustle in the Oak brush catches their attention and low and behold, a pack of dogs emerge! Pal, Herman, Tuffy, Ranger, Shep, and even that mangy 'ol dog Blue have found them. The dogs jump and yap as she dismounts, then cover her with kisses. Warm puppy breath greets her. Her soul is warm, her heart is satisfied.
"Come on Grandma. We've got to get 'er done here. The pups will be along, don't you worry now" he says with a smile. Back into the meadow, along a mountain lake, over a rise and they see it. Why it's a party! No, it's a picnic. Well, who on earth sets up a picnic here? Her Mom and Dad, her brother, her Grandpa Blakely, her aunts and uncles. It's amazing! Everyone is here! They eat, they laugh, they relax in the warm afternoon sun. It's not too hot. Just enough to warm your bones and not so much as to make you sweat. Hmmmm. Just right. The day has been perfect. As sunset approaches her Mom takes her by the hand and they climb a ridge. It is the perfect Arizona sunset. Colors only God could paint. No one speaks. No one wants to interrupt the sacred beauty of the moment.
A flash. A glow. A feeling of perfect love surrounds her. She knows the fullness of God's presence has come. Her soul is warm, it is as if she is being enveloped in a gigantic hug. "Well done, good and faithful one. Welcome! Here there is only perfect love and joy. Come on, let us show you around. I think you're going to like it here." God winks and smiles.
This is how I picture my Mom's graduation to glory this past Sunday night. I kinda think God's okay with my creative license....
K
Our scene opens on a dense, thick wooded hillside mixed with Ponderosa Pines, Cottonwoods and Quaking Aspen trees. Thick Oak shrubs color the forest floor. A deep fog has settled in and rests heavy over the woods. Into this, a beautiful, fair skinned, red-haired, beauty of a woman winds her way down a thin trail through the thick woods. She is leaving behind misty figures waving goodbye, but she can still hear their soft voices, warm with love. As she emerges from the woods the warm sun catches her hair and it shimmers like dark polished copper. She steps onto the meadow and is immediately overwhelmed with the vast magnitude and beauty of what she sees: a field bursting with spring flowers, rimmed by towering snow capped mountains. The colors have never been more beautiful and the sounds of the forest are as clear as a church bell on a quiet Sunday morning. She can hear the sound of a creek gurgling close by, not too loud, as the water churns and flows over the rocks. It's the kind of creek she remembers from her youth, and her heart and mind are suddenly filled with warm memories of playing at Workman Creek with her brothers and sisters. The air is crisp and clean; just a whisper of a breeze. Taking a deep breath, it feels as though she has never really taken a breath before, certainly nothing like this one! The scene is captivating, her senses alive. It's as if every flower, every bird, breeze and rustle of grass were created just for her.
Off to her right Roy, a fine, handsome, strapping young man, has two horses saddled and ready for a morning ride. He smiles and winks at her. "Hi Grandma. Thought you might want to ride Beau today. I've got he and Harvey all ready... and you know that #7 has to tag along!" He offers to help her mount but she raises her eyebrow and gives him "that look". Nope. No help needed thank you very much! The smell of the leather reminds her of Grumpa cleaning the saddles and as she mounts the saddle creaks sharp and clear. They ride, they talk of love and of people oh so dear to both of them. Hours pass. They ride on and that silly 'ol burro, (#7) just plods along behind them. They laugh and joke, they smile and remember. It's getting close to noon now so Roy takes her along the creek, to the swimming hole, so the horses can drink. A rustle in the Oak brush catches their attention and low and behold, a pack of dogs emerge! Pal, Herman, Tuffy, Ranger, Shep, and even that mangy 'ol dog Blue have found them. The dogs jump and yap as she dismounts, then cover her with kisses. Warm puppy breath greets her. Her soul is warm, her heart is satisfied.
"Come on Grandma. We've got to get 'er done here. The pups will be along, don't you worry now" he says with a smile. Back into the meadow, along a mountain lake, over a rise and they see it. Why it's a party! No, it's a picnic. Well, who on earth sets up a picnic here? Her Mom and Dad, her brother, her Grandpa Blakely, her aunts and uncles. It's amazing! Everyone is here! They eat, they laugh, they relax in the warm afternoon sun. It's not too hot. Just enough to warm your bones and not so much as to make you sweat. Hmmmm. Just right. The day has been perfect. As sunset approaches her Mom takes her by the hand and they climb a ridge. It is the perfect Arizona sunset. Colors only God could paint. No one speaks. No one wants to interrupt the sacred beauty of the moment.
A flash. A glow. A feeling of perfect love surrounds her. She knows the fullness of God's presence has come. Her soul is warm, it is as if she is being enveloped in a gigantic hug. "Well done, good and faithful one. Welcome! Here there is only perfect love and joy. Come on, let us show you around. I think you're going to like it here." God winks and smiles.
This is how I picture my Mom's graduation to glory this past Sunday night. I kinda think God's okay with my creative license....
K
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Deaf, Dumb & Blind
Isaiah 58 is one of those pieces of scripture that you probably read at some point, but it didn't really register with your brain what it was saying. Well, we used it for our prayer time at Emmaus last week, focusing on why God does not always respond to our prayers; or at least the way we want. One of the main ideas Isaiah is sharing with the folks is that God may hear us (praying), but is not listening because we fail to address issues of justice, equity and relief. Think about that. When we ignore people, ignore the injustice they are experiencing, God may just not listen to our religious words, our pleadings, our petitions, cause they just sound trite compared to what is happening around us all the time.
When I want God's help but ignore those around me who are victims of abuse, why should God listen to me? Especially if I am not being honest in my praying. I found Isaiah's words quite shocking. It kind of puts me on notice.
I encourage you to dig out your bible and read the entire chapter of Isaiah 58. It seems pretty clear. God is not interested in our religious words, our religious practices if we ignore poverty, the poor, anything that has to do with justice, equity and/or relief. Yikes.
We challenged each other at Emmaus, during our prayer practice, to name those things, those issues of justice, equity, relief that rattle around in our brains; that make deep imprints on our hearts, but that we never deal with or do anything about because it seems just too much; just too big; just too, too...? I don't think it is our heart's desire to act deaf, dumb and blind to what goes around us on a daily basis. I don't think we want our words or spiritual talk to be empty and shallow. I just think it all just seems too much, too depressing, so I'll say the words and hope they stick to something out there, maybe even to God.
What's on your heart? What picks away at you but you've never explored how to address it? Human slavery? Battered women? Children in poverty... in your own backyard? Environmental issues? Economic justice issues? What is it? There is power is speaking that word and giving it to God. What's on your heart?
-M-
When I want God's help but ignore those around me who are victims of abuse, why should God listen to me? Especially if I am not being honest in my praying. I found Isaiah's words quite shocking. It kind of puts me on notice.
I encourage you to dig out your bible and read the entire chapter of Isaiah 58. It seems pretty clear. God is not interested in our religious words, our religious practices if we ignore poverty, the poor, anything that has to do with justice, equity and/or relief. Yikes.
We challenged each other at Emmaus, during our prayer practice, to name those things, those issues of justice, equity, relief that rattle around in our brains; that make deep imprints on our hearts, but that we never deal with or do anything about because it seems just too much; just too big; just too, too...? I don't think it is our heart's desire to act deaf, dumb and blind to what goes around us on a daily basis. I don't think we want our words or spiritual talk to be empty and shallow. I just think it all just seems too much, too depressing, so I'll say the words and hope they stick to something out there, maybe even to God.
What's on your heart? What picks away at you but you've never explored how to address it? Human slavery? Battered women? Children in poverty... in your own backyard? Environmental issues? Economic justice issues? What is it? There is power is speaking that word and giving it to God. What's on your heart?
-M-
Monday, February 7, 2011
The Punch
UUMPH!!!
The first time I heard that sound, it came out of my own mouth after I landed smack down flat on my back after attempting to swing and skip two bars on the jungle gym at school when I was like in second grade. Uumph! Then you find yourself gasping for a breath as hard as you can and for just a brief moment, you think you're going to die. But......finally...you take in just enough air to fill your lungs again and thoughts of death go poof!
I've either made or heard that sound numerous times throughout my advancing years. I made it when Mike Rolland and I were goofing after some boxing movie we watched at kids and Mike delivered a blow that chipped on of my front teeth...uumph!!! It's the sound I've made when I have been pushed down under a horrific wave, thinking that I'll never make it to the surface again, but then...you do and what escapes from your lips is, uumph, then a big deep breath.
That's the sound of the "Punch." It comes as unexpectant as news that delivers a blow. Sometimes you can hear it coming, other times it is silent. Whichever way it comes; it comes and knocks the air out of you. It messes with your equilibrium and you often end up shaking your head to make sure it's still intact.
The Punch is part of life. I don't like it, never have. It came this past Sunday morning, 15 minutes before I was to stand in front of the congregation and say, "...the Lord be with you" which the congregation then says back to me, "...and also with you." My mom-in-law's cancer is back. Uumph!!! Kathleen called me to tell me. Uumph! Then I get to stand and tell folks that God is with them. Uumph! Then I tell them about the mom-in-law, about Kathleen, about Kathleen's dad and her brothers who love their wife, who love their mother; all of who hoped for better outcomes than this. Uumph!!!
I really have no words to explain the Punch. "The Lord be with you..." I certainly hope so...
-M-
Saturday, February 5, 2011
A Desert Rat
I'm a desert rat.
I grew up in the southwest sun and I like it. I like the warm yellow glow of the southwest sun. I like the sun shining brightly through my window early in the morning. I like the feel of the sun on my bones. I like that on a ridge or mesa you can see (what seems like) forever. I like the way the southwest sun makes the red clay marble and glow. I like the southwest sunset, the way the sky lights up as if it's an orchestra playing beautiful music to God. I like the mountains in the southwest, the way the ponderosa pines allow you to just go walking, no trail needed, just walk in the woods. I like the desert in bloom, I doubt much is prettier. I like sitting by a stream listening to the sounds of children laughing and playing, while the sun glistens on the water.
And I like Mexican food. I like the fresh tortillas, paper thin, soft and hot off the burner. I like fresh chips made from those same tortillas, fried crispy and served with fresh salsa. I like a really good taco with shredded meat seasoned just right, cooked in the fresh corn tortilla, served really hot with incredibly crisp lettuce on top. As I write I can taste the savory seasonings and feel the joyous times at the table. I like a really good margarita, with salt on the rim. Well, Mexican food just isn't good, Mexican food just isn't right without the salt. Really good crunchy salt.
Light and salt.
Both warm my soul and make my heart smile. Both calm my spirit. Both make me feel safe and happy. Both bring up some of my favorite memories.
I am called to be both in the world around me.
Interesting that God would use some of my favorite things to show me who I am to be.
K
K
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Blessings
At Emmaus House last weekend, during our community time of prayer, we focused upon the beatitudes in Matthew 5:1-12. I asked in what ways does one feel "blessed." What followed was, in some ways, pretty typical responses: health, family, having a job, children/grandchildren, a roof over one's head, etc. Then I read this quote (for the life of me, now I cannot remember where I found it):
"Blessings come from being in God's presence, not as a reward for either suffering or good works..."
The beatitudes in Matthew give us one of the first strong indications that God's Reign/Kingdom, that Jesus comes to proclaim and live out, is totally upside down from the present worldview. I mean really, how is one blessed by being persecuted for doing the right thing? How about people who have had a loved one die? Tell me how that's a blessing to find one's self in a state of loss, pain and mourning? You get the idea...
Maybe there's something else going on with this idea of blessing...
Experiencing poverty, mourning, hunger, etc, isn't in itself a sign of blessing, but people can count on God's presence with them in the midst of those things. Likewise, those who act with meekness, mercy, purity and a desire for peace, find themselves where God is already present and where God is already at work.
God is already present...God is already at work. That makes it kind of about God and not me and my notions of blessing. With God present and already at work, blessing is not about me being a good little boy and getting what I deserve. With God present and already at work, blessing is not about me getting rewarded for my enduring my pain, my poverty, my mourning, etc, with some kind of numbing, silent dignity.
Our blessings in this life is that God is present, through ALL of it. Our blessings in this life, when I actually find myself being a peacemaker, being present when people are in need our mercy or find themselves in need of righteousness & justice, is that God is not already present, but God is already at work within those life situations; whether we recognize God's presence or not. That's blessing!
When you pray this week, maybe instead of giving God the list of needs, wants, desires, etc, we give God thanks for the blessings we have expereinced because God is present and God is already at work...
Give us eyes to see you, O God of grace and love...
-m-
"Blessings come from being in God's presence, not as a reward for either suffering or good works..."
The beatitudes in Matthew give us one of the first strong indications that God's Reign/Kingdom, that Jesus comes to proclaim and live out, is totally upside down from the present worldview. I mean really, how is one blessed by being persecuted for doing the right thing? How about people who have had a loved one die? Tell me how that's a blessing to find one's self in a state of loss, pain and mourning? You get the idea...
Maybe there's something else going on with this idea of blessing...
Experiencing poverty, mourning, hunger, etc, isn't in itself a sign of blessing, but people can count on God's presence with them in the midst of those things. Likewise, those who act with meekness, mercy, purity and a desire for peace, find themselves where God is already present and where God is already at work.
God is already present...God is already at work. That makes it kind of about God and not me and my notions of blessing. With God present and already at work, blessing is not about me being a good little boy and getting what I deserve. With God present and already at work, blessing is not about me getting rewarded for my enduring my pain, my poverty, my mourning, etc, with some kind of numbing, silent dignity.
Our blessings in this life is that God is present, through ALL of it. Our blessings in this life, when I actually find myself being a peacemaker, being present when people are in need our mercy or find themselves in need of righteousness & justice, is that God is not already present, but God is already at work within those life situations; whether we recognize God's presence or not. That's blessing!
When you pray this week, maybe instead of giving God the list of needs, wants, desires, etc, we give God thanks for the blessings we have expereinced because God is present and God is already at work...
Give us eyes to see you, O God of grace and love...
-m-
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Come on in the water is great!
When I was a little child growing up in Arizona, my grandparents had an olympic size swimming pool in their backyard. My brothers and I were the only grandkids at that time, so we were pretty loved on by our aunts, uncles and well, everyone. Looking back, I am amazed at the time they took doting on us and playing with us, especially in the pool. I remember, as I was learning to swim, I would stand on the lip of that massive pool, looking for someone to jump to. As I stood there, I could barely contain all the excitement inside me, it would build and build until I felt I would just explode if I didn't get to jump in! Then, when I caught someone's eye, and I knew they were looking, well... ready or not, here I came! I would jump without any reservation, no holds barred, toward them. I was totally secure that those hands, that seemed so large to my little body, would capture me securely and laughter and joy was an absolute upon my rise to the surface. One might say, I jumped with reckless abandon... into the safety of those grown up arms.
I was safe and I knew I was safe. I was totally secure in the love my family had for me. I knew I was precious and adored. They had communicated that love in a hundred different ways. I was secure in their love and care of me so I could risk everything. The thought of danger or harm never entered my thoughts.
Can I just say: Yeeehaaw!
That is some serious love. What would I do if I could really take that in. Who would I be if I could really dig deep and live out an understanding of that chapter? Would I be a Francis of Assisi? Or maybe a Mother Theresa kind? Hmm... Maybe I would I be Richard Foster or Dallas Willard? (Two of my personal fav's) Probably not. It is intriguing to ponder who I would be if I could actualize the safety and love God expresses for me in Romans 8... with no thought of danger. No risk of failing. *sigh*
Seriously, I truly would like to do a better job of internalizing chapter 8. I would trust God more, love deeper and fear less. Consequently, I think I would risk more and laugh easier. Wouldn't that be AWESOME??!!!
It occurs to me that if I could translate the safety and security I had as I jumped into the safety of my families arms, well...hmm...
K
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
A hope or a wish?
Is there a difference between being hopeful and wishful? Church folk like to use the word hope a lot. Is our hope as Jesus followers just a different way of using wishful thinking? I sometimes wonder the intent on how it is said and what the hearer actually hears through the filter of their life. Are we really hope-full people or are we merely sending out "good thoughts and intentions" as if we are giving words to wishful thoughts?
I know for myself, I use the word hope quite a bit these days.
Here in the soggy northwest, I hope for sun.
I hope Mark's work in ministry is fulfilling.
I hope Mark's dissertation is received well.
I hope my kids and grandkids continue to grow in grace.
I hope Boom settles into high school well.
I hope my health is good.
I hope Mark's folks health is good.
I hope My Mom's days are full of laughter, joy and peace as she deals with her cancer.
I hope the same for my Dad who is not only my Mom's caregiver but her support.
As I said, I hope for a lot. But I really don't want my hopes to be just positive, kind thoughts, sent out to the universe in some version of cosmic karma. I want my hopes to be placed in the very heart of God based in love, and safe in the goodness of God's character. I want to be all in, so to speak, so my hopes aren't about me, but are about the One in whom I place those precious hopes.
Henri Nouwen writes in With Open Hands that one of his students separated hope and wishful thinking this way;
I see hope as an attitude where everything stays open before me. Not that I don't think of my future in those moments, but I think of it in an entirely different way. Daring to stay open to whatever will come to me today, tomorrow, two months from now, or a year from now- that is hope. To go fearlessly into things without knowing how they'll turn out, to keep on going, even when something doesn't work out the first time, to have trust in whatever you are doing- that is living in hope.
Well, you know I am captured by going fearlessly into the future! Not that I can maintain that hope continually, of course... But I am on the journey, intentionally risking and loving (albeit imperfectly), I am hoping in the very character of God.
I shall be hoping and praying for my Mom and Dad, Mark's folks and Carrie tonight. Not wishful thoughts, but a deep hope in God's goodness for them.
And blessings on you as you hope. May you also hope in the depth of God's love.
K
I know for myself, I use the word hope quite a bit these days.
Here in the soggy northwest, I hope for sun.
I hope Mark's work in ministry is fulfilling.
I hope Mark's dissertation is received well.
I hope my kids and grandkids continue to grow in grace.
I hope Boom settles into high school well.
I hope my health is good.
I hope Mark's folks health is good.
I hope My Mom's days are full of laughter, joy and peace as she deals with her cancer.
I hope the same for my Dad who is not only my Mom's caregiver but her support.
As I said, I hope for a lot. But I really don't want my hopes to be just positive, kind thoughts, sent out to the universe in some version of cosmic karma. I want my hopes to be placed in the very heart of God based in love, and safe in the goodness of God's character. I want to be all in, so to speak, so my hopes aren't about me, but are about the One in whom I place those precious hopes.
Henri Nouwen writes in With Open Hands that one of his students separated hope and wishful thinking this way;
I see hope as an attitude where everything stays open before me. Not that I don't think of my future in those moments, but I think of it in an entirely different way. Daring to stay open to whatever will come to me today, tomorrow, two months from now, or a year from now- that is hope. To go fearlessly into things without knowing how they'll turn out, to keep on going, even when something doesn't work out the first time, to have trust in whatever you are doing- that is living in hope.
Well, you know I am captured by going fearlessly into the future! Not that I can maintain that hope continually, of course... But I am on the journey, intentionally risking and loving (albeit imperfectly), I am hoping in the very character of God.
I shall be hoping and praying for my Mom and Dad, Mark's folks and Carrie tonight. Not wishful thoughts, but a deep hope in God's goodness for them.
And blessings on you as you hope. May you also hope in the depth of God's love.
K
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Lists and Snapshots
I don't know how inspired I am right now, but I also know that I don't want what happened tonight at Emmaus to pass by without some thought, some reflection. So, here goes...
Sermon-in-the-round is what we do for a teaching moment within Emmaus Houses' worship experience. Our focus tonight was on Psalm 15, which is a short 5 verse song/prayer about who is worthy to enter into God's presence; to enter into God's holy sanctuary? What follows is a six phrases or qualifications for holy living that will get you access to God and God's house/place of worship. What followed was a lively discussion, filled with laughter, frustration, exasperation, and giggles over who and how one lives a holy life that grants them such access to God and God's blessings.
Bottom line: Is the list of six qualities of holy living in this psalm prescriptive or is the psalmist providing pictures or snapshots for the community of what holy living looks like and what the community should strive to be about in their living and sharing of life together?
Why do we within the church turn such lists into rules? Why do we say, if you really are a follower of Jesus and the living God, then you will do everything on this list. And if you don't, then you're not really a part of what we are about. Why do we use lists to exclude each other from God's circle instead of using them as pictures to guide our living together and encourage one another toward lives of "holy" living in loving and constructive ways? Why?
Before we ended our time together around bread and cup, I asked my community of faith to think about what they consider to be "holy" living. I asked them to think of such qualities as pictures instead of lists. I want to be able to visualize through their eyes what constitutes "holy" living as Jesus guides our lives together out into the real world where we live and breath and find ourselves day, after day, after day.
Is it easier for you to make a list or follow a list of do's and don'ts or are you a picture person, who finds comfort and encouragement in snapshots of faith and faithful living? Ponder that this week and let us know what you've discovered.
-M-
Sermon-in-the-round is what we do for a teaching moment within Emmaus Houses' worship experience. Our focus tonight was on Psalm 15, which is a short 5 verse song/prayer about who is worthy to enter into God's presence; to enter into God's holy sanctuary? What follows is a six phrases or qualifications for holy living that will get you access to God and God's house/place of worship. What followed was a lively discussion, filled with laughter, frustration, exasperation, and giggles over who and how one lives a holy life that grants them such access to God and God's blessings.
Bottom line: Is the list of six qualities of holy living in this psalm prescriptive or is the psalmist providing pictures or snapshots for the community of what holy living looks like and what the community should strive to be about in their living and sharing of life together?
Why do we within the church turn such lists into rules? Why do we say, if you really are a follower of Jesus and the living God, then you will do everything on this list. And if you don't, then you're not really a part of what we are about. Why do we use lists to exclude each other from God's circle instead of using them as pictures to guide our living together and encourage one another toward lives of "holy" living in loving and constructive ways? Why?
Before we ended our time together around bread and cup, I asked my community of faith to think about what they consider to be "holy" living. I asked them to think of such qualities as pictures instead of lists. I want to be able to visualize through their eyes what constitutes "holy" living as Jesus guides our lives together out into the real world where we live and breath and find ourselves day, after day, after day.
Is it easier for you to make a list or follow a list of do's and don'ts or are you a picture person, who finds comfort and encouragement in snapshots of faith and faithful living? Ponder that this week and let us know what you've discovered.
-M-
How big is God?
Do you ever get Angry? Sure you do. We all do. Do you ever get angry with God? Well...that's a whole different question isn't it? It seems people get a little nervous and uncomfortable when it comes to that basic emotion being directed at God. I was in a situation recently where someone was discussing their anger at God. They said, "while I might get mad at God, I'm very careful not to get mad at Jesus." Of course, being who I am, I responded with, "I'm not really interested in a God that isn't big enough to deal with my anger." ... It didn't really go over well. *sigh*
Now, not that I'm angry often but I can clearly identify several times when I was very, very angry with God. And I wasn't one of the hairsplitters either. I went with full force in my anger toward the Trinity, all three of 'em. (I'm certain this explains oh so much about my life to those that know me well) Maybe I'm not smart enough to know better, or maybe God takes pity on me, but I feel safe being exactly who I am with God. I mean really, God knew all about me before I acknowledged He existed, so what else could I possibly throw at the divinity? What could be more insulting or painful to the trinity than me thinking there really wasn't a God at all. I couldn't really go any lower than that now, could I?
So from my perspective, if God still loved me when I was in the darkest, most vile place...if God still saw worth in me then, and not only saw worth in me, but extended the ultimate act of love, well, that's a pretty big God, and I'm pretty darn confident that the feelings and emotions that live inside me are truly not a surprise. (Wow, that's a really long sentence) Seriously, what would be point in being in a relationship with a God you can't be honest with? I'm not really interested in, and don't see much use for, that kind of a god. If I have to clean my emotional or spiritual self up, and pretend to be better, "nicer", or "more spiritual" than I am, haven't I missed one of the key points of God's love? Isn't one of the main objectives of God's love to grow me into who I was created to be? How can I do that or get that, if I'm busy trying to pretend I have it all together and don't need that work, that love. It seems so confusing and counterproductive.
Not that I mean to take advantage of the Grace and Love extended to me, mind you. I do try to take my life seriously and live responsibly as a Jesus follower. I know I'll mess it up, but I trust in the Goodness of God's love to continue to hold me. I can clearly see where God has been at work in me and I see all to clearly a few of the areas that I need so much more growth in. (I'm sure there are a boatload I haven't a clue about, yet) So to my way of thinking, any game playing I would try to do with God is sheer nonsense. I trust God to be bigger than that. I trust God's love to be bigger than that as well.
I believe God and God's love to be much bigger than my mind can comprehend and I think that's how it's supposed to be.
K
note to self: never, ever, try to blog while Boom is practicing the electric guitar...
Now, not that I'm angry often but I can clearly identify several times when I was very, very angry with God. And I wasn't one of the hairsplitters either. I went with full force in my anger toward the Trinity, all three of 'em. (I'm certain this explains oh so much about my life to those that know me well) Maybe I'm not smart enough to know better, or maybe God takes pity on me, but I feel safe being exactly who I am with God. I mean really, God knew all about me before I acknowledged He existed, so what else could I possibly throw at the divinity? What could be more insulting or painful to the trinity than me thinking there really wasn't a God at all. I couldn't really go any lower than that now, could I?
So from my perspective, if God still loved me when I was in the darkest, most vile place...if God still saw worth in me then, and not only saw worth in me, but extended the ultimate act of love, well, that's a pretty big God, and I'm pretty darn confident that the feelings and emotions that live inside me are truly not a surprise. (Wow, that's a really long sentence) Seriously, what would be point in being in a relationship with a God you can't be honest with? I'm not really interested in, and don't see much use for, that kind of a god. If I have to clean my emotional or spiritual self up, and pretend to be better, "nicer", or "more spiritual" than I am, haven't I missed one of the key points of God's love? Isn't one of the main objectives of God's love to grow me into who I was created to be? How can I do that or get that, if I'm busy trying to pretend I have it all together and don't need that work, that love. It seems so confusing and counterproductive.
Not that I mean to take advantage of the Grace and Love extended to me, mind you. I do try to take my life seriously and live responsibly as a Jesus follower. I know I'll mess it up, but I trust in the Goodness of God's love to continue to hold me. I can clearly see where God has been at work in me and I see all to clearly a few of the areas that I need so much more growth in. (I'm sure there are a boatload I haven't a clue about, yet) So to my way of thinking, any game playing I would try to do with God is sheer nonsense. I trust God to be bigger than that. I trust God's love to be bigger than that as well.
I believe God and God's love to be much bigger than my mind can comprehend and I think that's how it's supposed to be.
K
note to self: never, ever, try to blog while Boom is practicing the electric guitar...
Monday, January 24, 2011
Off the mark
I've been a little off my mark all day today. It started when I checked the news this morning and read about the bombing in the Moscow airport. My heart sank and I felt such a deep sadness. Tucson, Moscow... so close together. So much pain, such a broken world.
I eventually made myself get some much needed paperwork done and began running errands. Errands. The dread of a day off. Each stop today someone had their own version of news to share with me. One person struggling with huge health issues, another with a financial crisis due to this weird economy. Bad news, bad news, bad news. AARRRGGGHH! The struggle is overwhelming some days. These weren't "drama" kinds of stories, they were the real muck and stuff of life. Our world is not an easy place to hang out.
When I finally got home I read these words;
We live in a world where loneliness has become one of the most painful human wounds. It is a place where there are no questions and therefore no answers...
and then;
Love will always have a fragile character. It cannot be regulated or sustained by structures, rules or commitments. It can only be sustained by continuing acts of love which are marked by gentleness, care, openness and trust.
both from Charles Ringma in Dare to Journey with Henri Nouwen
Loneliness and love. I can't help but wonder how loneliness or a need to belong contributed to both recent tragedies. And of course, my next thought was; were acts of gentleness, care, openness and trust shown? Oh I pray so. The bigger question probably is; did I show them today? Was I available and present (so that I could connect) for each story shared or was I thinking of my long list of errands... I know I was not present in Moscow or Tucson, but I was physically present for each story today. Was I emotionally and spiritually there? Each story I was told had the similar life changing implications in their lives.
I want to be, my desire is to be, present... prayerful and connected. Why does it seem so difficult? Lord help me live your love. I seem to be off the mark.
K
I eventually made myself get some much needed paperwork done and began running errands. Errands. The dread of a day off. Each stop today someone had their own version of news to share with me. One person struggling with huge health issues, another with a financial crisis due to this weird economy. Bad news, bad news, bad news. AARRRGGGHH! The struggle is overwhelming some days. These weren't "drama" kinds of stories, they were the real muck and stuff of life. Our world is not an easy place to hang out.
When I finally got home I read these words;
We live in a world where loneliness has become one of the most painful human wounds. It is a place where there are no questions and therefore no answers...
and then;
Love will always have a fragile character. It cannot be regulated or sustained by structures, rules or commitments. It can only be sustained by continuing acts of love which are marked by gentleness, care, openness and trust.
both from Charles Ringma in Dare to Journey with Henri Nouwen
Loneliness and love. I can't help but wonder how loneliness or a need to belong contributed to both recent tragedies. And of course, my next thought was; were acts of gentleness, care, openness and trust shown? Oh I pray so. The bigger question probably is; did I show them today? Was I available and present (so that I could connect) for each story shared or was I thinking of my long list of errands... I know I was not present in Moscow or Tucson, but I was physically present for each story today. Was I emotionally and spiritually there? Each story I was told had the similar life changing implications in their lives.
I want to be, my desire is to be, present... prayerful and connected. Why does it seem so difficult? Lord help me live your love. I seem to be off the mark.
K
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Uniqueness
Tonight in church Mark did something a little different; he had us write something unique about ourselves on a snowflake we cut out, along with something that can lead us to a meltdown. Being human, of course, there were lots of things we could think of in the negative category, but the positive... well, that's more difficult. What do I honestly think is good or unique about me? Not toot my own horn stuff, but genuine, honestly unique and good about me. Now that took some thinking.
After we finished this exercise, we shared in the circle what we had down for ourselves, and others were able to add what they saw in us to the uniqueness of who we are. It was a touching, powerful time. Strange isn't it that we seldom take the time to comment on the divine we see in those around us. The selfless actions, the kindness and otherly-minded attitudes those in our circle display daily. We may very well come away from an encounter having been the recipient of grace, mercy, wisdom or some other form of divinity, but our busy-ness, or our own chaos and turmoil, often prevents us from letting them know the gift that they are.
I would like to focus on verbalizing the good and unique qualities I see in those God brings into my circle. Not in a cheesy, trite or forced way, but an honest, genuine appreciation for what and who they are. Maybe I can make a shift and develp this as a life skill. Wouldn't that be lovely!
K
After we finished this exercise, we shared in the circle what we had down for ourselves, and others were able to add what they saw in us to the uniqueness of who we are. It was a touching, powerful time. Strange isn't it that we seldom take the time to comment on the divine we see in those around us. The selfless actions, the kindness and otherly-minded attitudes those in our circle display daily. We may very well come away from an encounter having been the recipient of grace, mercy, wisdom or some other form of divinity, but our busy-ness, or our own chaos and turmoil, often prevents us from letting them know the gift that they are.
I would like to focus on verbalizing the good and unique qualities I see in those God brings into my circle. Not in a cheesy, trite or forced way, but an honest, genuine appreciation for what and who they are. Maybe I can make a shift and develp this as a life skill. Wouldn't that be lovely!
K
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The desire
There is within me a desire to run with reckless abandon to the heart of God. To throw off everything that weighs on me and is "reasonable" and dive deeply, head on, fully immersed, into the mystery, awe and (as Rich Mullens said) be caught in the "reckless raging fury called the love of God".
Then the phone rings...
Or my day begins...
*Sigh*
Occasionally I do get mini-trips to that place though. They are sacred, special times that usually come after a time of rest and prayer and quiet. Is it strange that I can't seem to risk reckless abandon when I'm exhausted? Life today is lived at such a crazed pace. It seems all we can do to get the top ten "must do's" off our list to rush home, cook supper, make sure homework gets done, clean the bathroom, laundry for the next day... Well, you get the idea.
I wonder, who would I be if I sat still? Would I really be brave enough to be "all in" with God? Is the thought of being fully immersed in God more attractive than the reality? Do I know anyone that's all in? Would anybody like me? Maybe I would just be too weird.
And yet, it is there, that desire within me to run with reckless abandon to the heart of God.
K
Then the phone rings...
Or my day begins...
*Sigh*
Occasionally I do get mini-trips to that place though. They are sacred, special times that usually come after a time of rest and prayer and quiet. Is it strange that I can't seem to risk reckless abandon when I'm exhausted? Life today is lived at such a crazed pace. It seems all we can do to get the top ten "must do's" off our list to rush home, cook supper, make sure homework gets done, clean the bathroom, laundry for the next day... Well, you get the idea.
I wonder, who would I be if I sat still? Would I really be brave enough to be "all in" with God? Is the thought of being fully immersed in God more attractive than the reality? Do I know anyone that's all in? Would anybody like me? Maybe I would just be too weird.
And yet, it is there, that desire within me to run with reckless abandon to the heart of God.
K
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Good News?
Just found out yesterday that my Mom-in-law's cancer numbers dropped again, which is a Woo-Hoo moment. I responded to this news from Kathleen by saying, "it's about time we get some good news around here!" All of which started this conversation about how our life is not filled with good news the majority of the time. Why is this? What have we done to make us people who do not experience good news on a daily or regular basis? What's wrong with us? Especially since we consider ourselves pretty honest and open followers of Jesus. Shouldn't we be people who just ooze good news?
So what constitues good news? Is it a feeling? Is it an experience? Is it some kind of karma-driven thing where my good deeds outweigh my bad ones, so I get some? Is it as simple as "you reap, what you sow?" How come folks who seem superficial and shallow in their faith, (see, I can be judgemental), seem to have everything they want in life, while I seem blind to or devoid of good news? Why is that? Have I offended God? Is there something about how Kathleen and I live our lives, that my reaction to mom-in-laws cancer numbers seemed out-of-place? It was almost as if we automatically expect the worst, because, after all, it is OUR life we're talking about...A little perspective would be great right about now.
The only thing that brings me some comfort, is that I know I'm being selfish. I mean, come on, compared to how others in our global village live, I live like one of the rich and famous. I have a roof over my head, I have lots of space and stuff. I have clean water. I have an over-abundance of food to choose from. I have a car, a computer, a TV, I have way too much, too much. I have Kathleen, Boomer, the beast and all these amazing collection of friends from diverse walks of life, with different perspectives, experiences, etc about faith, life, living, death, etc. There is great news in that, not just good. I have two faith communities that I share life with that are vastly different from one another, but they both are trying to figure out how to live out a life of faith in concrete and real ways. That's good news too. For an aging, weight-challenged, white dude, I'm healthy as well. So?
In Matthew 5:43ff, Jesus gives us a new way of seeing and being in this life with his admonishment to "love our enemies." We are told that the sun rises for those who do evil as well as those who do good. That it rains upon the righteous and unrighteous. That if you only love those who love you, what difference does that make? We are to love as God loves, which is fully and completely. So maybe good news is just that. The good news is Love, not only receiving it; not only giving it to your peeps who love you back, but also to the other: asking if you have any spare change; the lady driving the SUV while drinking her latte and talking on her cell phone, who just cut you off; the broken relationship that you've never taken care of...you get the idea. Maybe I experience good news more than I realize. Maybe it is all around me, I just don't have the eyes and spirit and attitude to see it and experience. Maybe...
I wonder what is "good news" for you?
-M-
So what constitues good news? Is it a feeling? Is it an experience? Is it some kind of karma-driven thing where my good deeds outweigh my bad ones, so I get some? Is it as simple as "you reap, what you sow?" How come folks who seem superficial and shallow in their faith, (see, I can be judgemental), seem to have everything they want in life, while I seem blind to or devoid of good news? Why is that? Have I offended God? Is there something about how Kathleen and I live our lives, that my reaction to mom-in-laws cancer numbers seemed out-of-place? It was almost as if we automatically expect the worst, because, after all, it is OUR life we're talking about...A little perspective would be great right about now.
The only thing that brings me some comfort, is that I know I'm being selfish. I mean, come on, compared to how others in our global village live, I live like one of the rich and famous. I have a roof over my head, I have lots of space and stuff. I have clean water. I have an over-abundance of food to choose from. I have a car, a computer, a TV, I have way too much, too much. I have Kathleen, Boomer, the beast and all these amazing collection of friends from diverse walks of life, with different perspectives, experiences, etc about faith, life, living, death, etc. There is great news in that, not just good. I have two faith communities that I share life with that are vastly different from one another, but they both are trying to figure out how to live out a life of faith in concrete and real ways. That's good news too. For an aging, weight-challenged, white dude, I'm healthy as well. So?
In Matthew 5:43ff, Jesus gives us a new way of seeing and being in this life with his admonishment to "love our enemies." We are told that the sun rises for those who do evil as well as those who do good. That it rains upon the righteous and unrighteous. That if you only love those who love you, what difference does that make? We are to love as God loves, which is fully and completely. So maybe good news is just that. The good news is Love, not only receiving it; not only giving it to your peeps who love you back, but also to the other: asking if you have any spare change; the lady driving the SUV while drinking her latte and talking on her cell phone, who just cut you off; the broken relationship that you've never taken care of...you get the idea. Maybe I experience good news more than I realize. Maybe it is all around me, I just don't have the eyes and spirit and attitude to see it and experience. Maybe...
I wonder what is "good news" for you?
-M-
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Who am I anyway?
Most people that know me would say I'm fairly stable, centered and assured as human beings go. Sometimes I actually feel that way about myself too, however most of the time I feel like a mess. A giant failure. An ever churning whirlwind of chaos only pausing now and again to increase in intensity. I feel broken, messy and disposable.
Now before you send me off to years of therapy for work on my self image or depression, I need to tell you that while I do indeed feel all those things lots of the time, those feelings aren't the end of my story nor are they the final definition of who I am. Oh no, I am far more complex and convoluted than a simple self image problem!
You see, I didn't grow up in a house where faith was a part of our daily life. I was a young adult before what I would call "the divine" intersected my life. That single intersection caused a massive paradigm shift for me. So while I am keenly aware of my broken and selfish, mess of a self, I am also continually amazed that the divine resides in me too! Who knew? And it lives there in the midst of that mess. How is that possible? The divine and the mess. What a paradox. I am a walking, talking, living, breathing paradox. Impressive, isn't it?
Tonight in church Mark asked us what we want to be about. Of course my first thought was "I don't want to be a mess anymore" but as I thought about it further, that's where the divine is at work in me. (Well, maybe that's where I see the divine at work in me.) I know it's at work because while I am not yet who I was created to be, I am clearly not who I once was. Nothing is happening overnight here. For me, it has been a slow, step by baby step, movement. So while I would love to be "all cleaned up" and have a tidy life that radiates the divine from all sides like a glow stick, I think the messy part of me may be important. That's where I have to make those tough decisions about who I am and what I am going to be about.
Poser or real?
Selfish or selfless?
There is the tough work.
K
Now before you send me off to years of therapy for work on my self image or depression, I need to tell you that while I do indeed feel all those things lots of the time, those feelings aren't the end of my story nor are they the final definition of who I am. Oh no, I am far more complex and convoluted than a simple self image problem!
You see, I didn't grow up in a house where faith was a part of our daily life. I was a young adult before what I would call "the divine" intersected my life. That single intersection caused a massive paradigm shift for me. So while I am keenly aware of my broken and selfish, mess of a self, I am also continually amazed that the divine resides in me too! Who knew? And it lives there in the midst of that mess. How is that possible? The divine and the mess. What a paradox. I am a walking, talking, living, breathing paradox. Impressive, isn't it?
Tonight in church Mark asked us what we want to be about. Of course my first thought was "I don't want to be a mess anymore" but as I thought about it further, that's where the divine is at work in me. (Well, maybe that's where I see the divine at work in me.) I know it's at work because while I am not yet who I was created to be, I am clearly not who I once was. Nothing is happening overnight here. For me, it has been a slow, step by baby step, movement. So while I would love to be "all cleaned up" and have a tidy life that radiates the divine from all sides like a glow stick, I think the messy part of me may be important. That's where I have to make those tough decisions about who I am and what I am going to be about.
Poser or real?
Selfish or selfless?
There is the tough work.
K
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tucson, MLK Jr, Jesus and the Rhetoric of Love
The events from Tucson weigh heavily on me this week. I find myself feeling incredibly angry and then resigned that there isn't anything I can do about, well, anything. Everything is too big. Everything is too complicated. Everything, is just too, too, much! I know that the deaths of six people and the wounding of 14 others, including the Congresswoman, have left impressions on others as well, most notably their families. For the rest of us, we watch from a distance, offer up a prayer, an opinion or just stick our hands in our pockets, keep our heads down and go about the dailyness of our lives because it is all too real and all too familiar.
If all of that isn't hard enough, sad enough, pathetic enough, we have to decide if we are going to subject ourselves to the talking heads of media, (who whether on the left, right, middle or outside the boundaries of common sense), will talk about gun control, immigration reform, health care, political rhetoric, mental health and illness, etc, as clues, reasons and/or answers for why this happened. A friend told us she wasn't listening to TV or radio anymore today because all she was hearing was whether or not President Obama might/would cry during the Memorial Service. Are you kidding me? If he cries he will symbolize weakness in the midst of tragedy. A sign of an ineffectual leader. If he remains stoic, well what a cold-hearted bastard he is. Great! When we should be exploring ways of coming together despite our differences, our diversity, our views of how the world is or should be, we end up stumbling all over ourselves with the rhetoric of hate, suspicion and innuendo. No wonder we find ourselves in such public and personal turmoil...
On a personal and selfish level...If all of that isn't hard enough, (where have I heard that before), I have to write a sermon for Sunday and give people a word of Hope. A word that goes beyond rhetoric, empty promises, empty threats and into where people live and breathe. And I don't have nothing. Well, that isn't true...I have the rhetoric of Love. Martin Luther King Jr., tried to live out that type of rhetoric, it got him killed. He learned this love from the One he followed, Jesus of Nazareth. O, I forgot, Jesus' rhetoric of love got him killed too. Unfortunately, it's all I got...Love. Love not in word, but love in action.
In the first chapter of John's gospel, there are some folks who have heard who Jesus is and what he's suppose to be about and they hang around him in the shadows. Finally, Jesus asks them, "what are you looking for?" They want to know if he is who John the Baptist and others say he is. Jesus says simply, "Come and See." They want to know if Jesus can live up to the hype. He doesn't say yes or no. He says come and see...
Do my actions match my words? Sometimes. Does the rhetoric that I use reflect the culture, which seems to focus on hate, suspicion and innuendo or am I trying to walk to the beat of that other drummer, Jesus, the same one that Martin Luther King Jr did? The cost is pretty steep at times. But if I have to die for something, would I rather it be the rhetoric of Love? Damn...I hope so.
Sleep easier Tucson. You all are in our thoughts and prayers. May God love on you well.
M
If all of that isn't hard enough, sad enough, pathetic enough, we have to decide if we are going to subject ourselves to the talking heads of media, (who whether on the left, right, middle or outside the boundaries of common sense), will talk about gun control, immigration reform, health care, political rhetoric, mental health and illness, etc, as clues, reasons and/or answers for why this happened. A friend told us she wasn't listening to TV or radio anymore today because all she was hearing was whether or not President Obama might/would cry during the Memorial Service. Are you kidding me? If he cries he will symbolize weakness in the midst of tragedy. A sign of an ineffectual leader. If he remains stoic, well what a cold-hearted bastard he is. Great! When we should be exploring ways of coming together despite our differences, our diversity, our views of how the world is or should be, we end up stumbling all over ourselves with the rhetoric of hate, suspicion and innuendo. No wonder we find ourselves in such public and personal turmoil...
On a personal and selfish level...If all of that isn't hard enough, (where have I heard that before), I have to write a sermon for Sunday and give people a word of Hope. A word that goes beyond rhetoric, empty promises, empty threats and into where people live and breathe. And I don't have nothing. Well, that isn't true...I have the rhetoric of Love. Martin Luther King Jr., tried to live out that type of rhetoric, it got him killed. He learned this love from the One he followed, Jesus of Nazareth. O, I forgot, Jesus' rhetoric of love got him killed too. Unfortunately, it's all I got...Love. Love not in word, but love in action.
In the first chapter of John's gospel, there are some folks who have heard who Jesus is and what he's suppose to be about and they hang around him in the shadows. Finally, Jesus asks them, "what are you looking for?" They want to know if he is who John the Baptist and others say he is. Jesus says simply, "Come and See." They want to know if Jesus can live up to the hype. He doesn't say yes or no. He says come and see...
Do my actions match my words? Sometimes. Does the rhetoric that I use reflect the culture, which seems to focus on hate, suspicion and innuendo or am I trying to walk to the beat of that other drummer, Jesus, the same one that Martin Luther King Jr did? The cost is pretty steep at times. But if I have to die for something, would I rather it be the rhetoric of Love? Damn...I hope so.
Sleep easier Tucson. You all are in our thoughts and prayers. May God love on you well.
M
Follow up on Monday's post
Relationships are hard. Maybe the most difficult thing we do. Sometimes you grasp for understanding hoping that will give a you a connection, a common ground to work from. Sometimes there is no common ground and then you turn to the "why" questions.
Relationships are hard.
Of two things I am confident:
God's character is good, God wants good and does good.
God is bigger than the problem.
The real difficulty may well be in being still and not screwing everything up while waiting.
K
Relationships are hard.
Of two things I am confident:
God's character is good, God wants good and does good.
God is bigger than the problem.
The real difficulty may well be in being still and not screwing everything up while waiting.
K
Monday, January 10, 2011
It's complicated, It's love.
I just came from coffee with a friend who was sharing another chapter of her journey with one of her children. It's a long, painful, exhausting journey, and it just added another chapter of more pain. Nothing grieves like a parents love. All of our hopes and dreams are mixed with deep, deep love for our children. Unfortunately, all that love, all those hopes and dreams, are not a recipe for success, or even happiness.
It really makes me ponder what love is. It seems an odd pondering because at almost 55 years old, one would think I would have a handle on, or at the very least a clear definition for love. Nope. It seems the older I get the less I know about love, especially about the kind of love spoken about in scripture.
I think I have decided a few things;
Love is seldom unconditional. We are not God and therefore do not seem to have the gift of giving unconditional love. For us to be healthy, functioning individuals we need to have some boundaries, and that alone makes our love conditional. So as much as I want to, I think I may not be capable of unconditional love. I would like to be though. Does that count?
I doubt there is a greater pain than for someone to use the fact that you love them, as a weapon to inflict a wound on you. It is such a low blow on so many levels. Of course Love will disappoint, but a deliberate attack, well, that's just so painful and and such a deep wound, it's very difficult to recover from.
Next after that would be folks that use the love you hold for them to simply use you. As soon as you are no longer needed, swoosh, your out.
Not all love is returned. In a family, or in a relationship.
Love is defined differently for folks. They may love you, but not in a way you can understand it. It seems to me one of the keys to success would be a love language class...
Love that divides, or separates people is not love. Love unifies, not divides.
Some folks will use your love to score an advantage. This may happen more in a family structure. Just because you are "family" doesn't mean that emotional connections run both ways. Some families are notorious for using each other to gain some "advantage" within the structure. I throw you under the bus, you look bad, I look good. What's the problem with that??
Christians can use love as a cover to qualify what might be called "co-dependent" behavior. I am guilty of this, to be sure.
So love is a risk. Just because our children hurt us, doesn't mean we don't still love them. It may grieve us deeply, but sometimes we do have to place boundaries in place to protect us, even from folks we love. How sad is that.
My friend and I decided, even though it hurts, love is worth the risk. We may screw it up, but if we keep practicing, one day we may get even a piece of it right.
K
It really makes me ponder what love is. It seems an odd pondering because at almost 55 years old, one would think I would have a handle on, or at the very least a clear definition for love. Nope. It seems the older I get the less I know about love, especially about the kind of love spoken about in scripture.
I think I have decided a few things;
Love is seldom unconditional. We are not God and therefore do not seem to have the gift of giving unconditional love. For us to be healthy, functioning individuals we need to have some boundaries, and that alone makes our love conditional. So as much as I want to, I think I may not be capable of unconditional love. I would like to be though. Does that count?
I doubt there is a greater pain than for someone to use the fact that you love them, as a weapon to inflict a wound on you. It is such a low blow on so many levels. Of course Love will disappoint, but a deliberate attack, well, that's just so painful and and such a deep wound, it's very difficult to recover from.
Next after that would be folks that use the love you hold for them to simply use you. As soon as you are no longer needed, swoosh, your out.
Not all love is returned. In a family, or in a relationship.
Love is defined differently for folks. They may love you, but not in a way you can understand it. It seems to me one of the keys to success would be a love language class...
Love that divides, or separates people is not love. Love unifies, not divides.
Some folks will use your love to score an advantage. This may happen more in a family structure. Just because you are "family" doesn't mean that emotional connections run both ways. Some families are notorious for using each other to gain some "advantage" within the structure. I throw you under the bus, you look bad, I look good. What's the problem with that??
Christians can use love as a cover to qualify what might be called "co-dependent" behavior. I am guilty of this, to be sure.
So love is a risk. Just because our children hurt us, doesn't mean we don't still love them. It may grieve us deeply, but sometimes we do have to place boundaries in place to protect us, even from folks we love. How sad is that.
My friend and I decided, even though it hurts, love is worth the risk. We may screw it up, but if we keep practicing, one day we may get even a piece of it right.
K
Unexpected relationships
Sunday was our turn at the church's feeding ministry. This ministry has been going strong every Sunday for almost 20 years now. Our team has been together somewhere in the neighborhood of 13 years. So on the second Sunday we all head down to the church and attend to our jobs so that a good meal is ready to go for a variety of marginalized and homeless in the Olympia area. I have missed a couple of months, so I was a bit out of the groove and as with life, things changed. A most pleasant surprise were the smiles and welcomes I received from several of the guests. Warm welcoming smiles greeted me and stories about what has been happening in their lives. I got to see a new tattoo and hear about a miracle leg prosthetic. I was struck by the warmth and genuine pleasure they took in sharing their life with me.
Unexpected relationships. What a blessing.
K
Unexpected relationships. What a blessing.
K
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Clenched fists, or Open hands?
One of my all time favorite books is a little book on prayer by Henri Nouwen called "With Open Hands". In the first chapter he tells the story of an elderly woman that is taken to a psychiatric center. She was wild, out of control, so much so that the doc's had to take everything from her. Her hands were clenched so tightly it took two people to pry them open. Inside one hand was a single little coin. One... single... little... coin, yet she held it with all her might.
I understand that woman. I have lived that way. I still do on some level. Oh, maybe not outwardly, I try to hide it well, but to be sure, I have held things or people, so tightly I feared my very life would fall apart if I let go. I don't think I'm alone. I think many of us live that way. With clenched fists we hold onto people, things, money and philosophy's or mindsets we think we can't let go of. We fear if we open our hands our life will change. It may not be as we "need" it to be or think it is.
It is risky, to live with open hands. It means I have to allow people to choose to be in relationship with me. It means I can't "be in control" of everything. It means my perception of what a relationship is may indeed be completely different than what it is. It means some people I may not necessarily choose, will choose me and some people I desperately want to be in relationship with, may not choose me. It means I will strive to look at things as they are, not through the lens of my desires. It means I will try to live without an agenda for God, myself or others. *sigh* Tough work. I have not completed this work. I suspect it will be my lifelong quest, to live with open hands.
K
I understand that woman. I have lived that way. I still do on some level. Oh, maybe not outwardly, I try to hide it well, but to be sure, I have held things or people, so tightly I feared my very life would fall apart if I let go. I don't think I'm alone. I think many of us live that way. With clenched fists we hold onto people, things, money and philosophy's or mindsets we think we can't let go of. We fear if we open our hands our life will change. It may not be as we "need" it to be or think it is.
It is risky, to live with open hands. It means I have to allow people to choose to be in relationship with me. It means I can't "be in control" of everything. It means my perception of what a relationship is may indeed be completely different than what it is. It means some people I may not necessarily choose, will choose me and some people I desperately want to be in relationship with, may not choose me. It means I will strive to look at things as they are, not through the lens of my desires. It means I will try to live without an agenda for God, myself or others. *sigh* Tough work. I have not completed this work. I suspect it will be my lifelong quest, to live with open hands.
K
Friday, January 7, 2011
Relevant or Honest?
What would you rather be: relevant or honest? In my line of work there is a great push to be "relevant." I understand this plea, this mantra, because things of faith, whether we call them spiritual or religious, can be rather, um, dusty. People outside of our faith perspective often tell me that the problem with the church, Christianity, etc, is that it is irrelevant to their lives. It has no connection. Actually, I hear that from inside the walls of the church as well. So the answer, of course, is to try and be "relevant." But does being relevant mean be more entertaining? Does it mean provide for me a buffet line of spiritual goods and services that I can sample and maybe buy? Does it mean play that specific music that moves me the way I like to be moved? Does being relevant mean accommodation, whether to the culture or to our own self-interest?
Or would you rather be honest? Honest that following Jesus means you put a high priority on community and relationships? Honest that there is not a level playing field out in the world for the "other" who may not look like me, think like me, dress like me, believe like me? Honest that, yes, the church is full of broken, often hypocritical folks, who sometimes do the exact opposite of what they say they believe? Honest that sometimes in the name of "hospitality" we put more emphasis on the color and condition of the carpet rather than working on being a welcoming place to the "others" who might stumble into our communities? Honest that the history of the church has periods of real darkness instead of light; that we have followed the liturgy of empire instead of the Kingdom/Reign of God focused on love?
So what would you rather be? Relevant or honest? Maybe a combo of both? Ponder, examine, pray, meditate or dismiss...or maybe it's just not relevant, so who cares?
-M-
Or would you rather be honest? Honest that following Jesus means you put a high priority on community and relationships? Honest that there is not a level playing field out in the world for the "other" who may not look like me, think like me, dress like me, believe like me? Honest that, yes, the church is full of broken, often hypocritical folks, who sometimes do the exact opposite of what they say they believe? Honest that sometimes in the name of "hospitality" we put more emphasis on the color and condition of the carpet rather than working on being a welcoming place to the "others" who might stumble into our communities? Honest that the history of the church has periods of real darkness instead of light; that we have followed the liturgy of empire instead of the Kingdom/Reign of God focused on love?
So what would you rather be? Relevant or honest? Maybe a combo of both? Ponder, examine, pray, meditate or dismiss...or maybe it's just not relevant, so who cares?
-M-
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
What have I become???
At work the other day a friend and I were chatting about a particular difficult life situation and my work roommate started laughing! We both turned and she said "Oh, I haven't heard those words in years!" What words were we using??? Oh yes, we were using the dreaded "church" words! Words like grace, mercy and tenderness. Funny isn't it, how "those words" have become common in my language but to another they sound so foreign. I'll need to go back now and check with her of course to see if they hold a positive or negative memory for her. I remember words like those being a completely different language to me when I started my journey and now here they are sprinkled in my everyday language. When did that happen? And is it all good? I wonder, how does it make me sound to someone with a different belief system, or no faith at all? Am I building walls with my language? Hmmm, something to ponder.
K
K
Monday, January 3, 2011
Live Differently... in community?
It occurs to me that one of the more difficult pieces of following Jesus is being in community. It would be oh so much easier (me thinks) to just be me and God. You know, like two buds, hanging out. Somehow, as much as it sounds appealing, I think "buddy Jesus" falls a little short of the mark. I've discovered I need to see Jesus in other lives and I need to hear their stories to give me a fuller view of the Christ I am a student of. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I need to hear if and how they see Jesus, in me and my life. That dang accountability thing stuff (yuck). So I am left with living the tension of sometimes struggling with the difficulties of functioning within a community of faith, and keeping my desire to fly solo in check.
I remember when we moved to Olympia I had this overwhelming sense of being unknown. As if I didn't fully exist with only acquaintances. Maybe it's weird, but I need to be known, accepted or rejected, but known. I need life beyond the smiling hello's. Beyond the casual pleasantries. But it's oh so risky. Life beyond the mask is messy. There of course, is the struggle. In my desire to be known, I am taking the gargantuan risk of opening up the chaos and mess that I am to another. Desperately hoping that someone will see value in me. That they will not be repulsed by me. That they will not discard the mess that I am, but see me, know me, maybe even enjoy me, and call me to be what I am created to be. Is it fair to ask this of another without looking for the honest self in them? There is the rub in being in community.
K
And so it begins...
This blog, these random thoughts, reflect our desire, our journey to live differently in the world today. It is our intention to follow Jesus and live our lives with a simple honesty and transparency. In the beginning of the experiment, we thought it would be easy. Really, how hard could it be? Silly, silly folks that we are. We quickly discovered the various layers and circles of our lives and how easily we became entangled in things that drew us away from our intent. It is not unlikely that the entanglements, the conundrum of our lives, are simply the stuff of life. *Sigh*
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