It's been a week and a day since my mom died. A tough week and a day. My thoughts ramble. Concentration is difficult. My eyes leak at the most inopportune times. But today, as I was writing letters to my aunts and uncles remembering my Mom with them, a thought came to the forefront;
"It is clear that a piece of our hearts is forever gone. We will always miss her laugh, her smile and the way she raised that one eyebrow when she meant business. Even so, I am certain, with every fiber of my being, that we will always carry her in our heart... and so she shall never be far from us."
Quite the paradox isn't it.
Forever gone, but forever here. Hmmm.
Grief is a strange thing, we miss and deeply grieve not seeing their smiles and hearing their laugh. Rightly so. In my mother's situation she had lived a very fulfilling life. She loved deeply and was deeply loved. She was surrounded by those who love her when she quite literally went to sleep here and woke up in heaven. All in all, as things could go, it was very peaceful and quiet. And the truth is, had she lived another 30 years, we her family, would have wanted more time still. It would never have been enough. Our grief was, and still is, intense, but there is much to be celebrated in a life well lived and well loved.
My faith tells me that she is not gone (as in vaporized), she is not alone, nor floating in some vast abyss. My faith tells me she is experiencing the fullness of God's love and tender care. She is with the loved ones she missed and cried for. She is experiencing God as we were intended to. Maybe the streets are gold there, (sure, why not) but they have never been the carrot dangling in front of me to entice me to "be good". If that works for you then great, but for me heaven is all about the people and the love. The feeling of being totally understood and accepted.
*Sigh* Who wouldn't want that?
So I will miss her terribly, and my eyes will leak at crazy times, and yes she is gone, but no not really.
K
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