One of my all time favorite books is a little book on prayer by Henri Nouwen called "With Open Hands". In the first chapter he tells the story of an elderly woman that is taken to a psychiatric center. She was wild, out of control, so much so that the doc's had to take everything from her. Her hands were clenched so tightly it took two people to pry them open. Inside one hand was a single little coin. One... single... little... coin, yet she held it with all her might.
I understand that woman. I have lived that way. I still do on some level. Oh, maybe not outwardly, I try to hide it well, but to be sure, I have held things or people, so tightly I feared my very life would fall apart if I let go. I don't think I'm alone. I think many of us live that way. With clenched fists we hold onto people, things, money and philosophy's or mindsets we think we can't let go of. We fear if we open our hands our life will change. It may not be as we "need" it to be or think it is.
It is risky, to live with open hands. It means I have to allow people to choose to be in relationship with me. It means I can't "be in control" of everything. It means my perception of what a relationship is may indeed be completely different than what it is. It means some people I may not necessarily choose, will choose me and some people I desperately want to be in relationship with, may not choose me. It means I will strive to look at things as they are, not through the lens of my desires. It means I will try to live without an agenda for God, myself or others. *sigh* Tough work. I have not completed this work. I suspect it will be my lifelong quest, to live with open hands.
K
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