Lists and Snapshots

I don't know how inspired I am right now, but I also know that I don't want what happened tonight at Emmaus to pass by without some thought, some reflection.  So, here goes...

Sermon-in-the-round is what we do for a teaching moment within Emmaus Houses' worship experience.  Our focus tonight was on Psalm 15, which is a short 5 verse song/prayer about who is worthy to enter into God's presence; to enter into God's holy sanctuary?  What follows is a six phrases or qualifications for holy living that will get you access to God and God's house/place of worship.  What followed was a lively discussion, filled with laughter, frustration, exasperation, and giggles over who and how one lives a holy life that grants them such access to God and God's blessings.

Bottom line:  Is the list of six qualities of holy living in this psalm prescriptive or is the psalmist providing pictures or snapshots for the community of what holy living looks like and what the community should strive to be about in their living and sharing of life together?

Why do we within the church turn such lists into rules?  Why do we say, if you really are a follower of Jesus and the living God, then you will do everything on this list.  And if you don't, then you're not really a part of what we are about.  Why do we use lists to exclude each other from God's circle instead of using them as pictures to guide our living together and encourage one another toward lives of "holy" living in loving and constructive ways?  Why?

Before we ended our time together around bread and cup, I asked my community of faith to think about what they consider to be "holy" living.  I asked them to think of such qualities as pictures instead of lists.  I want to be able to visualize through their eyes what constitutes "holy" living as Jesus guides our lives together out into the real world where we live and breath and find ourselves day, after day, after day.

Is it easier for you to make a list or follow a list of do's and don'ts or are you a picture person, who finds comfort and encouragement in snapshots of faith and faithful living?  Ponder that this week and let us know what you've discovered.
-M-

How big is God?

Do you ever get Angry? Sure you do. We all do. Do you ever get angry with God? Well...that's a whole different question isn't it? It seems people get a little nervous and uncomfortable when it comes to that basic emotion being directed at God. I was in a situation recently where someone was discussing their anger at God. They said, "while I might get mad at God, I'm very careful not to get mad at Jesus."  Of course, being who I am, I responded with, "I'm not really interested in a God that isn't big enough to deal with my anger."  ... It didn't really go over well. *sigh*

Now, not that I'm angry often but I can clearly identify several times when I was very, very angry with God. And I wasn't one of the hairsplitters either. I went with full force in my anger toward the Trinity, all three of 'em. (I'm certain this explains oh so much about my life to those that know me well) Maybe I'm not smart enough to know better, or maybe God takes pity on me, but I feel safe being exactly who I am with God. I mean really, God knew all about me before I acknowledged He existed, so what else could I possibly throw at the divinity? What could be more insulting or painful to the trinity than me thinking there really wasn't a God at all.  I couldn't really go any lower than that now, could I?

So from my perspective, if God still loved me when I was in the darkest, most vile place...if God still saw worth in me then, and not only saw worth in me, but extended the ultimate act of love, well, that's a pretty big God, and I'm pretty darn confident that the feelings and emotions that live inside me are truly not a surprise. (Wow, that's a really long sentence)  Seriously, what would be point in being in a relationship with a God you can't be honest with?  I'm not really interested in, and don't see much use for, that kind of a god. If I have to clean my emotional or spiritual self up, and pretend to be better, "nicer", or "more spiritual" than I am, haven't I missed one of the key points of God's love?  Isn't one of the main objectives of God's love to grow me into who I was created to be? How can I do that or get that, if I'm busy trying to pretend I have it all together and don't need that work, that love.  It seems so confusing and counterproductive.

Not that I mean to take advantage of the Grace and Love extended to me, mind you. I do try to take my life seriously and live responsibly as a Jesus follower. I know I'll mess it up, but I trust in the Goodness of God's love to continue to hold me. I can clearly see where God has been at work in me and I see all to clearly a few of the areas that I need so much more growth in. (I'm sure there are a boatload I haven't a clue about, yet)  So to my way of thinking, any game playing I would try to do with God is sheer nonsense.  I trust God to be bigger than that.  I trust God's love to be bigger than that as well.

I believe God and God's love to be much bigger than my mind can comprehend and I think that's how it's supposed to be.
K
note to self: never, ever, try to blog while Boom is practicing the electric guitar...

Off the mark

I've been a little off my mark all day today. It started when I checked the news this morning and read about the bombing in the Moscow airport. My heart sank and I felt such a deep sadness. Tucson, Moscow... so close together. So much pain, such a broken world.


I eventually made myself get some much needed paperwork done and began running errands. Errands. The dread of a day off. Each stop today someone had their own version of news to share with me. One person struggling with huge health issues, another with a financial crisis due to this weird economy.  Bad news, bad news, bad news. AARRRGGGHH!  The struggle is overwhelming some days. These weren't "drama" kinds of stories, they were the real muck and stuff of life. Our world is not an easy place to hang out.


When I finally got home I read these words;


We live in a world where loneliness has become one of the most painful human wounds. It is a place where there are no questions and therefore no answers...


and then;


Love will always have a fragile character. It cannot be regulated or sustained by structures, rules or commitments. It can only be sustained by continuing acts of love which are marked by gentleness, care, openness and trust.


both from Charles Ringma in Dare to Journey with Henri Nouwen


Loneliness and love. I can't help but wonder how loneliness or a need to belong contributed to both recent tragedies. And of course, my next thought was; were acts of gentleness, care, openness and trust shown? Oh I pray so. The bigger question probably is; did I show them today? Was I available and present (so that I could connect) for each story shared or was I thinking of my long list of errands... I know I was not present in Moscow or Tucson, but I was physically present for each story today. Was I emotionally and spiritually there?  Each story I was told had the similar life changing implications in their lives. 


I want to be, my desire is to be, present... prayerful and connected. Why does it seem so difficult? Lord help me live your love. I seem to be off the mark.
K

Uniqueness

Tonight in church Mark did something a little different; he had us write something unique about ourselves on a snowflake we cut out, along with something that can lead us to a meltdown. Being human, of course, there were lots of things we could think of in the negative category, but the positive... well, that's more difficult. What do I honestly think is good or unique about me? Not toot my own horn stuff, but genuine, honestly unique and good about me. Now that took some thinking.

After we finished this exercise, we shared in the circle what we had down for ourselves, and others were able to add what they saw in us to the uniqueness of who we are. It was a touching, powerful time. Strange isn't it that we seldom take the time to comment on the divine we see in those around us. The selfless actions, the kindness and otherly-minded attitudes those in our circle display daily. We may very well come away from an encounter having been the recipient of grace, mercy, wisdom or some other form of divinity, but our busy-ness, or our own chaos and turmoil, often prevents us from letting them know the gift that they are.

I would like to focus on verbalizing the good and unique qualities I see in those God brings into my circle.  Not in a cheesy, trite or forced way, but an honest, genuine appreciation for what and who they are.  Maybe I can make a shift and develp this as a life skill. Wouldn't that be lovely!
K

The desire

There is within me a desire to run with reckless abandon to the heart of God. To throw off everything that weighs on me and is "reasonable" and dive deeply, head on, fully immersed,  into the mystery, awe and (as Rich Mullens said) be caught in the "reckless raging fury called the love of God".

Then the phone rings...

Or my day begins...

*Sigh*

Occasionally I do get mini-trips to that place though. They are sacred, special times that usually come after a time of rest and prayer and quiet. Is it strange that I can't seem to risk reckless abandon when I'm exhausted? Life today is lived at such a crazed pace. It seems all we can do to get the top ten "must do's" off our list to rush home, cook supper, make sure homework gets done, clean the bathroom, laundry for the next day... Well, you get the idea. 

I  wonder, who would I be if I sat still? Would I really be brave enough to be "all in" with God? Is the thought of being fully immersed in God more attractive than the reality? Do I know anyone that's all in? Would anybody like me? Maybe I would just be too weird.

And yet, it is there, that desire within me to run with reckless abandon to the heart of God.

K

Good News?

Just found out yesterday that my Mom-in-law's cancer numbers dropped again, which is a Woo-Hoo moment.  I responded to this news from Kathleen by saying, "it's about time we get some good news around here!"  All of which started this conversation about how our life is not filled with good news the majority of the time.  Why is this?  What have we done to make us people who do not experience good news on a daily or regular basis?  What's wrong with us?  Especially since we consider ourselves pretty honest and open followers of Jesus.  Shouldn't we be people who just ooze good news?

So what constitues good news?  Is it a feeling?  Is it an experience?  Is it some kind of karma-driven thing where my good deeds outweigh my bad ones, so I get some?  Is it as simple as "you reap, what you sow?"  How come folks who seem superficial and shallow in their faith, (see, I can be judgemental), seem to have everything they want in life, while I seem blind to or devoid of good news?  Why is that?  Have I offended God?  Is there something about how Kathleen and I live our lives, that my reaction to mom-in-laws cancer numbers seemed out-of-place?  It was almost as if we automatically expect the worst, because, after all, it is OUR life we're talking about...A little perspective would be great right about now.

The only thing that brings me some comfort, is that I know I'm being selfish.  I mean, come on, compared to how others in our global village live, I live like one of the rich and famous.  I have a roof over my head, I have lots of space and stuff.  I have clean water.  I have an over-abundance of food to choose from.  I have a car, a computer, a TV, I have way too much, too much.  I have Kathleen, Boomer, the beast and all these amazing collection of friends from diverse walks of life, with different perspectives, experiences, etc about faith, life, living, death, etc.  There is great news in that, not just good.  I have two faith communities that I share life with that are vastly different from one another, but they both are trying to figure out how to live out a life of faith in concrete and real ways.  That's good news too.  For an aging, weight-challenged, white dude, I'm healthy as well.  So?

In Matthew 5:43ff, Jesus gives us a new way of seeing and being in this life with his admonishment to "love our enemies."  We are told that the sun rises for those who do evil as well as those who do good.  That it rains upon the righteous and unrighteous.  That if you only love those who love you, what difference does that make?  We are to love as God loves, which is fully and completely.  So maybe good news is just that.  The good news is Love, not only receiving it; not only giving it to your peeps who love you back, but also to the other: asking if you have any spare change; the lady driving the SUV while drinking her latte and talking on her cell phone, who just cut you off; the broken relationship that you've never taken care of...you get the idea.  Maybe I experience good news more than I realize.  Maybe it is all around me, I just don't have the eyes and spirit and attitude to see it and experience.  Maybe...

I wonder what is "good news" for you?
-M-

Who am I anyway?

Most people that know me would say I'm fairly stable, centered and assured as human beings go. Sometimes I actually feel that way about myself too, however most of the time I feel like a mess. A giant failure. An ever churning whirlwind of chaos only pausing now and again to increase in intensity. I feel broken, messy and disposable.

Now before you send me off to years of therapy for work on my self image or depression, I need to tell you that while I do indeed feel all those things lots of the time, those feelings aren't the end of my story nor are they the final definition of who I am. Oh no, I am far more complex and convoluted than a simple self image problem!

You see, I didn't grow up in a house where faith was a part of our daily life. I was a young adult before what I would call "the divine" intersected my life. That single intersection caused a massive paradigm shift for me. So while I am keenly aware of my broken and selfish, mess of a self, I am also continually amazed that the divine resides in me too! Who knew? And it lives there in the midst of that mess. How is that possible? The divine and the mess. What a paradox. I am a walking, talking, living, breathing paradox. Impressive, isn't it?

Tonight in church Mark asked us what we want to be about. Of course my first thought was "I don't want to be a mess anymore" but as I thought about it further, that's where the divine is at work in me. (Well, maybe that's where I see the divine at work in me.) I know it's at work because while I am not yet who I was created to be, I am clearly not who I once was. Nothing is happening overnight here. For me, it has been a slow, step by baby step, movement. So while I would love to be "all cleaned up" and have a tidy life that radiates the divine from all sides like a glow stick, I think the messy part of me may be important. That's where I have to make those tough decisions about who I am and what I am going to be about.

Poser or real?
Selfish or selfless?  

There is the tough work.
K

Tucson, MLK Jr, Jesus and the Rhetoric of Love

The events from Tucson weigh heavily on me this week.  I find myself feeling incredibly angry and then resigned that there isn't anything I can do about, well, anything.  Everything is too big.  Everything is too complicated.  Everything, is just too, too, much!  I know that the deaths of six people and the wounding of 14 others, including the Congresswoman, have left impressions on others as well, most notably their families.  For the rest of us, we watch from a distance, offer up a prayer, an opinion or just stick our hands in our pockets, keep our heads down and go about the dailyness of our lives because it is all too real and all too familiar.

If all of that isn't hard enough, sad enough, pathetic enough, we have to decide if we are going to subject ourselves to the talking heads of media, (who whether on the left, right, middle or outside the boundaries of common sense), will talk about gun control, immigration reform, health care, political rhetoric, mental health and illness, etc, as clues, reasons and/or answers for why this happened.  A friend told us she wasn't listening to TV or radio anymore today because all she was hearing was whether or not President Obama might/would cry during the Memorial Service.  Are you kidding me?  If he cries he will symbolize weakness in the midst of tragedy.  A sign of an ineffectual leader.  If he remains stoic, well what a cold-hearted bastard he is.  Great!  When we should be exploring ways of coming together despite our differences, our diversity, our views of how the world is or should be, we end up stumbling all over ourselves with the rhetoric of hate, suspicion and innuendo.  No wonder we find ourselves in such public and personal turmoil...

On a personal and selfish level...If all of that isn't hard enough, (where have I heard that before), I have to write a sermon for Sunday and give people a word of Hope.  A word that goes beyond rhetoric, empty promises, empty threats and into where people live and breathe.  And I don't have nothing.  Well, that isn't true...I have the rhetoric of Love.  Martin Luther King Jr., tried to live out that type of rhetoric, it got him killed.  He learned this love from the One he followed, Jesus of Nazareth.  O, I forgot, Jesus' rhetoric of love got him killed too.  Unfortunately, it's all I got...Love.  Love not in word, but love in action.

In the first chapter of John's gospel, there are some folks who have heard who Jesus is and what he's suppose to be about and they hang around him in the shadows.  Finally, Jesus asks them, "what are you looking for?"  They want to know if he is who John the Baptist and others say he is.  Jesus says simply, "Come and See."  They want to know if Jesus can live up to the hype.  He doesn't say yes or no.  He says come and see...

Do my actions match my words?  Sometimes.  Does the rhetoric that I use reflect the culture, which seems to focus on hate, suspicion and innuendo or am I trying to walk to the beat of that other drummer, Jesus, the same one that Martin Luther King Jr did?  The cost is pretty steep at times.  But if I have to die for something, would I rather it be the rhetoric of Love?  Damn...I hope so.

Sleep easier Tucson.  You all are in our thoughts and prayers.  May God love on you well.
M

Follow up on Monday's post

Relationships are hard. Maybe the most difficult thing we do. Sometimes you grasp for understanding hoping that will give a you a connection, a common ground to work from.  Sometimes there is no common ground and then you turn to the "why" questions.

Relationships are hard.

Of two things I am confident:

God's character is good, God wants good and does good.
God is bigger than the problem.

The real difficulty may well be in being still and not screwing everything up while waiting.
K

It's complicated, It's love.

I just came from coffee with a friend who was sharing another chapter of her journey with one of her children. It's a long, painful, exhausting journey, and it just added another chapter of more pain. Nothing grieves like a parents love. All of our hopes and dreams are mixed with deep, deep love for our children. Unfortunately, all that love, all those hopes and dreams, are not a recipe for success, or even happiness.
It really makes me ponder what love is. It seems an odd pondering because at almost 55 years old, one would think I would have a handle on, or at the very least a clear definition for love. Nope. It seems the older I get the less I know about love, especially about the kind of love spoken about in scripture.

 I think I have decided a few things;

Love is seldom unconditional. We are not God and therefore do not seem to have the gift of giving unconditional love. For us to be healthy, functioning individuals we need to have some boundaries, and that alone makes our love conditional. So as much as I want to, I think I may not be capable of unconditional love. I would like to be though. Does that count?

I doubt there is a greater pain than for someone to use the fact that you love them, as a weapon to inflict a wound on you. It is such a low blow on so many levels. Of course Love will disappoint, but a deliberate attack, well, that's just so painful and and such a deep wound, it's very difficult to recover from.

Next after that would be folks that use the love you hold for them to simply use you. As soon as you are no longer needed, swoosh, your out.

Not all love is returned. In a family, or in a relationship.

Love is defined differently for folks. They may love you, but not in a way you can understand it. It seems to me one of the keys to success would be a love language class...

Love that divides, or separates people is not love. Love unifies, not divides.

Some folks will use your love to score an advantage. This may happen more in a family structure. Just because you are "family" doesn't mean that emotional connections run both ways. Some families are notorious for using each other to gain some "advantage" within the structure. I throw you under the bus, you look bad, I look good. What's the problem with that??

Christians can use love as a cover to qualify what might be called "co-dependent" behavior. I am guilty of this, to be sure.

So love is a risk. Just because our children hurt us, doesn't mean we don't still love them. It may grieve us deeply, but sometimes we do have to place boundaries in place to protect us, even from folks we love. How sad is that.
My friend and I decided, even though it hurts, love is worth the risk. We may screw it up, but if we keep practicing, one day we may get even a piece of it right.
K

Unexpected relationships

Sunday  was our turn at the church's feeding ministry. This ministry has been going strong every Sunday for almost 20 years now. Our team has been together somewhere in the neighborhood of 13 years. So on the second Sunday we all head down to the church and attend to our jobs so that a good meal is ready to go for a variety of marginalized and homeless in the Olympia area. I have missed a couple of months, so I was a bit out of the groove and as with life, things changed. A most pleasant surprise were the smiles and welcomes I received from several of the guests. Warm welcoming smiles greeted me and stories about what has been happening in their lives. I got to see a new tattoo and hear about a miracle leg prosthetic. I was struck by the warmth and genuine pleasure they took in sharing their life with me.

Unexpected relationships. What a blessing.
K

Clenched fists, or Open hands?

One of my all time favorite books is a little book on prayer by Henri Nouwen called "With Open Hands". In the first chapter he tells the story of an elderly woman that is taken to a psychiatric center. She was wild, out of control, so much so that the doc's had to take everything from her. Her hands were clenched so tightly it took two people to pry them open. Inside one hand was a single little coin. One... single... little... coin, yet she held it with all her might.
I understand that woman. I have lived that way. I still do on some level. Oh, maybe not outwardly, I try to hide it well, but to be sure, I have held things or people, so tightly I feared my very life would fall apart if I let go. I don't think I'm alone. I think many of us live that way. With clenched fists we hold onto people, things, money and philosophy's or mindsets we think we can't let go of. We fear if we open our hands our life will change. It may not be as we "need" it to be or think it is.
It is risky, to live with open hands. It means I have to allow people to choose to be in relationship with me. It means I can't "be in control" of everything. It means my perception of what a relationship is may indeed be completely different than what it is. It means some people I may not necessarily choose, will choose me and some people I desperately want to be in relationship with, may not choose me. It means I will strive to look at things as they are, not through the lens of my desires. It means I will try to live without an agenda for God, myself or others.  *sigh* Tough work. I have not completed this work. I suspect it will be my lifelong quest, to live with open hands.
K

Relevant or Honest?

What would you rather be:  relevant or honest?  In my line of work there is a great push to be "relevant." I understand this plea, this mantra, because things of faith, whether we call them spiritual or religious, can be rather, um, dusty.  People outside of our faith perspective often tell me that the problem with the church, Christianity, etc, is that it is irrelevant to their lives.  It has no connection.  Actually, I hear that from inside the walls of the church as well.  So the answer, of course, is to try and be "relevant."  But does being relevant mean be more entertaining?  Does it mean provide for me a buffet line of spiritual goods and services that I can sample and maybe buy?  Does it mean play that specific music that  moves me the way I like to be moved?  Does being relevant mean accommodation, whether to the culture or to our own self-interest?

Or would you rather be honest?  Honest that following Jesus means you put a high priority on community and relationships?  Honest that there is not a level playing field out in the world for the "other" who may not look like me, think like me, dress like me, believe like me?  Honest that, yes, the church is full of broken, often hypocritical folks, who sometimes do the exact opposite of what they say they believe?  Honest that sometimes in the name of "hospitality" we put more emphasis on the color and condition of the carpet rather than working on being a welcoming place to the "others" who might stumble into our communities?  Honest that the history of the church has periods of real darkness instead of light; that we have followed the liturgy of empire instead of the Kingdom/Reign of God focused on love?

So what would you rather be?  Relevant or honest?  Maybe a combo of both?  Ponder, examine, pray, meditate or dismiss...or maybe it's just not relevant, so who cares?
-M-

What have I become???

At work the other day a friend and I were chatting about a particular difficult life situation and my work roommate started laughing! We both turned and she said "Oh, I haven't heard those words in years!" What words were we using??? Oh yes, we were using the dreaded "church" words! Words like grace, mercy and tenderness. Funny isn't it, how "those words" have become common in my language but to another they sound so foreign. I'll need to go back now and check with her of course to see if they hold a positive or negative memory for her. I remember words like those being a completely different language to me when I started my journey and now here they are sprinkled in my everyday language. When did that happen? And is it all good? I wonder, how does it make me sound to someone with a different belief system, or no faith at all? Am I building walls with my language?  Hmmm, something to ponder.
K

Live Differently... in community?

It occurs to me that one of the more difficult pieces of following Jesus is being in community. It would be oh so much easier (me thinks) to just be me and God. You know, like two buds, hanging out. Somehow, as much as it sounds appealing, I think "buddy Jesus" falls a little short of the mark. I've discovered I need to see Jesus in other lives and I need to hear their stories to give me a fuller view of the Christ I am a student of. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I need to hear if and how they see Jesus, in me and my life. That dang accountability thing stuff (yuck). So I am left with living the tension of sometimes struggling with the difficulties of functioning within a community of faith, and keeping my desire to fly solo in check.

 I remember when we moved to Olympia I had this overwhelming sense of being unknown. As if I didn't fully exist with only acquaintances. Maybe it's weird, but I need to be known, accepted or rejected, but known. I need life beyond the smiling hello's. Beyond the casual pleasantries. But it's oh so risky. Life beyond the mask is messy.  There of course, is the struggle. In my desire to be known, I am taking the gargantuan risk of opening up the chaos and mess that I am to another. Desperately hoping that someone will see value in me. That they will not be repulsed by me. That they will not discard the mess that I am, but see me, know me, maybe even enjoy me, and call me to be what I am created to be. Is it fair to ask this of another without looking for the honest self in them?  There is the rub in being in community.

K

And so it begins...

 This blog, these random thoughts, reflect our desire, our journey to live differently in the world today. It is our intention to follow Jesus and live our lives with a simple honesty and transparency. In the beginning of the experiment, we thought it would be easy. Really, how hard could it be? Silly, silly folks that we are. We quickly discovered the various layers and circles of our lives and how easily we became entangled in things that drew us away from our intent. It is not unlikely that the entanglements, the conundrum of our lives, are simply the stuff of life. *Sigh*