It occurs to me that one of the more difficult pieces of following Jesus is being in community. It would be oh so much easier (me thinks) to just be me and God. You know, like two buds, hanging out. Somehow, as much as it sounds appealing, I think "buddy Jesus" falls a little short of the mark. I've discovered I need to see Jesus in other lives and I need to hear their stories to give me a fuller view of the Christ I am a student of. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I need to hear if and how they see Jesus, in me and my life. That dang accountability thing stuff (yuck). So I am left with living the tension of sometimes struggling with the difficulties of functioning within a community of faith, and keeping my desire to fly solo in check.
I remember when we moved to Olympia I had this overwhelming sense of being unknown. As if I didn't fully exist with only acquaintances. Maybe it's weird, but I need to be known, accepted or rejected, but known. I need life beyond the smiling hello's. Beyond the casual pleasantries. But it's oh so risky. Life beyond the mask is messy. There of course, is the struggle. In my desire to be known, I am taking the gargantuan risk of opening up the chaos and mess that I am to another. Desperately hoping that someone will see value in me. That they will not be repulsed by me. That they will not discard the mess that I am, but see me, know me, maybe even enjoy me, and call me to be what I am created to be. Is it fair to ask this of another without looking for the honest self in them? There is the rub in being in community.
K
Oh Kathy, I have felt this way at FBC. It's so hard to start again. I have so many long-time friends at FAL, but I want to be in community at FBC, too.
ReplyDeleteReading your blog is helping me to see YOU. I hope maybe I can let you and Mark see ME sometime.
Again, thanks for sharing.