Who am I anyway?

Most people that know me would say I'm fairly stable, centered and assured as human beings go. Sometimes I actually feel that way about myself too, however most of the time I feel like a mess. A giant failure. An ever churning whirlwind of chaos only pausing now and again to increase in intensity. I feel broken, messy and disposable.

Now before you send me off to years of therapy for work on my self image or depression, I need to tell you that while I do indeed feel all those things lots of the time, those feelings aren't the end of my story nor are they the final definition of who I am. Oh no, I am far more complex and convoluted than a simple self image problem!

You see, I didn't grow up in a house where faith was a part of our daily life. I was a young adult before what I would call "the divine" intersected my life. That single intersection caused a massive paradigm shift for me. So while I am keenly aware of my broken and selfish, mess of a self, I am also continually amazed that the divine resides in me too! Who knew? And it lives there in the midst of that mess. How is that possible? The divine and the mess. What a paradox. I am a walking, talking, living, breathing paradox. Impressive, isn't it?

Tonight in church Mark asked us what we want to be about. Of course my first thought was "I don't want to be a mess anymore" but as I thought about it further, that's where the divine is at work in me. (Well, maybe that's where I see the divine at work in me.) I know it's at work because while I am not yet who I was created to be, I am clearly not who I once was. Nothing is happening overnight here. For me, it has been a slow, step by baby step, movement. So while I would love to be "all cleaned up" and have a tidy life that radiates the divine from all sides like a glow stick, I think the messy part of me may be important. That's where I have to make those tough decisions about who I am and what I am going to be about.

Poser or real?
Selfish or selfless?  

There is the tough work.
K