Feet of Jello

I'm still trying to get my feet under me.  There are things I know to be true in my mind and heart and yet, I still have this churning of uneasiness as if I don't quite have my footing.  It is as if at any moment, I could slide down a steep hill into a huge pool of angry water. (Picture an over sized washing machine gone mad)  Sounds like a bad Alice in Wonderland adventure doesn't it?

It's not that any one particular thing is hanging around looking for ways to trip me, no this is more an irrational feeling linked to emotional, physical and spiritual exhaustion.  It could almost be described as fear but is probably more accurately described as a feeling of not being enough.  A feeling of not being strong enough, wise enough, spiritual enough, fit enough, organized enough... well, you get the picture.

Life, well everything really, feels risky when you feel like you are not enough.  Basic, simple tasks seem daunting.  I second guess most decisions, even silly ones like what product to get at the grocery store.  My nerves are a bit fried and I don't laugh as easily as I did a while ago.  And I snap at my family.  All in all, I am, once again, a mess.

It's not a new feeling.  I've been here before.  The thing I notice in getting older, is knowing that this unsettling feeling won't last for ever.  It too will go one day.  I have weathered a storm like this before.  However, for the record, let me say clearly: I didn't like it then and I don't like it now.

The good news in all of this is: I do know, absolutely that God's love and grace are with me in my churning, uneasy, mess of a self.  I need not run or hide.  I need not pretend to have it all together.  I know that God is big enough to handle all of the mess that is me.  I know it better than I know my name because I have experienced it in those earlier storms.  It is times like these that I am reminded that I am loved not for what I "can do for" God (silly thought isn't it?), but I am loved because I am, and God understands me and my journey far better than I do.

St. John Chrysostom said: God is not ignorant of anything that happens in creation, and if God loves us more truly than the best human father, and if God loves us so as to number our very hairs, then we need not be afraid.... He already knows the secrets of your heart. 


I believe that.  I believe God is not ignorant of anything that happens.  I believe God loves us better than the best human father.  I believe God knows the secrets of my heart.  And I believe God is at work for good.  Even if it doesn't feel like it.

Okay, so my feet may indeed be jello right now, but stay tuned, God is pretty creative, no telling what's coming...

K