We were chatting at Emmaus about our spiritual formation. I know mine seems to be ever evolving and morphing. There was a time many years ago, when I looked at my "walk with God" as given tasks to be "mastered" or Bible verses to be memorized, tasks to be honed like skills. Almost a spiritual "to do" list that spiraled up and up toward God and when everything had been checked off, poof, I would be "Holy".
Well, that is what I thought before I crashed my life.
(While I have a desire to blog on the Holiness thing, that is not this blog, and in the interest in staying on point, I'll get back to my list of skills.)
It seemed a natural mindset, you know, to think the more knowledge and skill you attained of God, the more "Holy" one would become. The fly in the pudding is that is there is an unavoidable measure of pride that gets into the mix. Look what "I" have done, or God has blessed "me" with this finished list of tasks, verses, skills...etc. It lead in my own life to a form of spiritual Pharisee-ism, a one-up-man-ship game of how spiritual I am compared to the next guy. There is within this mindset, a "look at me" attitude. Never a good thing where God is concerned, I think. As if my skills or ladder climbing matters one iota to God. And it wasn't doing much in my own formation either. The tasks became burdensome and heavy. What if I didn't measure up? What if I couldn't make the cut? Judgement loomed heavy. Someone was always higher on the ladder than I was.
And then my life crashed and I had to re-learn everything. What unfolded for me was that I already was Holy because God looked at me through eyes of Love and Grace. I didn't have the pressure of the spiritual to do list and I wasn't on the fast track to Holiness anymore. I had to give up the appearances to settle into the reality. For me, instead of an upward spiral full of tasks and burdens, my spiritual journey became a descending circle, deeper and deeper into the heart of God. Here there were no lists, there was only an unveiling of myself, a giving up, if you will, of stuff I hung on to for far too long. Each time I feel secure, another veil is lifted and I see yet another thing I have been carrying around. It feels safe, warm, freeing and intimate here. It is a place where God shows me piece by piece what I am created to be and draws me to it. There is no measure of another here. It is the beginning of giving myself.
Somehow, I think I will continually be beginning. I'm okay with that.
K
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
A Teachable Spirit?
I have been working with the boy lately, cleaning and organizing some of his stuff around the house. I came upon a pile of his schoolwork from grade school days. I had gathered it and set it aside to "deal with" later. Today was later. I smiled as I went through it knowing I was holding precious work. Work that visibly shows his growth both in individual skills but also shows his growth as a human being. This pile dates back to age 4 or 5 and he is currently 15, so you can imagine the span of work I held in my hands.
I sat down and took some time to take this walk down memory lane. So much change. So much growth. Young hearts are so eager to know, and conquer, and explore. So much joy taken and given in the learning process. Such a great teachable spirit. So many fun stories, so much joy for all of us watching him, helping him grow into what he is created to be. (At 15, I must confess, not always so much fun now)
What about me? Do I still have it? Did I lose it, that teachable spirit? Has the day become something to just get through? In the process of "growing up" have I forgotten how to get excited about learning, growing and changing? Maybe I just want to be engaged in the creative "fun" learning... but then I would miss the excitement and accomplishment of achieving the difficult and I would cheat myself out of the real self worth gained by the disciplined action of seeing something through. And I would miss having fun stories to tell of my adventures along the way!
Something to be careful of, losing this teachable spirit thing. Pretty sure God is still at work growing me into what I was created to be. I best pay attention!
K
I sat down and took some time to take this walk down memory lane. So much change. So much growth. Young hearts are so eager to know, and conquer, and explore. So much joy taken and given in the learning process. Such a great teachable spirit. So many fun stories, so much joy for all of us watching him, helping him grow into what he is created to be. (At 15, I must confess, not always so much fun now)
What about me? Do I still have it? Did I lose it, that teachable spirit? Has the day become something to just get through? In the process of "growing up" have I forgotten how to get excited about learning, growing and changing? Maybe I just want to be engaged in the creative "fun" learning... but then I would miss the excitement and accomplishment of achieving the difficult and I would cheat myself out of the real self worth gained by the disciplined action of seeing something through. And I would miss having fun stories to tell of my adventures along the way!
Something to be careful of, losing this teachable spirit thing. Pretty sure God is still at work growing me into what I was created to be. I best pay attention!
K
Friday, April 1, 2011
Pondering's of People we Love
Mark and I made several car trips to Seattle this week that were, of course, during rush hour. Strange conversations can come while you are sitting in traffic...
Pondering a situation with people we know and love dearly, we debated about if/how we could help. It is one of the truly difficult parts of being in relationships. On the one hand, we truly want to love and accept these people where they are, as they are, with no judgement or strings attached... On the other hand, we can see how easy it is to settle into old thought patterns or choices and not do the hard work they have told us they want to be about. Hmmmm. Risk saying something? Watch as old self-destructive patterns play out?
Tough stuff really, isn't it? I think this may be one of the toughest conversations we have about community life. When you choose to be involved in a community, you choose, sometimes by default, to have other people "in your business" so to speak. And most everyone I know is carrying the scars of a relationship gone bad. Jesus communities are famous for this. Someone saying something they shouldn't have. Judgement called down. Painful wounds inflicted. Scars carried forever. Someone leaves, sometimes forever.
So we shy away from saying anything. But is that the Jesus way? I really don't know. On the one hand, I believe God is big enough to do whatever work is necessary. On the other hand, my life has been truly blessed (and transformation enhanced) by people I love, who took that very risk and spoke with love the hard stuff to me. I can still name the people and the situations. They called me accountable to who I said I wanted to be, and held a mirror up to me. I loved them, and while I was angry for a while, I knew they were telling me the truth and shining light on something I would rather pretend wasn't there.
But I too have had those other experiences. Where I feel judged, and not enough, and like the yardstick has been placed beside me to show me just how little I am and how far I fall short.
*SIGH and double sigh*
So I don't really have an answer here. I do know, as Jesus followers, we all are to "take on the mind, spirit and attitude of Christ"** and I know that old destructive patterns are not that attitude. So how do we call each other to be all that we are created to be and leave the judgement in the trash outside? How do we love people into kingdom life? How do we heal old hurts and help each other move further and deeper into Christ? How do we balance "being real" with living "transformed" lives?
K
**Philippians 2:5
Pondering a situation with people we know and love dearly, we debated about if/how we could help. It is one of the truly difficult parts of being in relationships. On the one hand, we truly want to love and accept these people where they are, as they are, with no judgement or strings attached... On the other hand, we can see how easy it is to settle into old thought patterns or choices and not do the hard work they have told us they want to be about. Hmmmm. Risk saying something? Watch as old self-destructive patterns play out?
Tough stuff really, isn't it? I think this may be one of the toughest conversations we have about community life. When you choose to be involved in a community, you choose, sometimes by default, to have other people "in your business" so to speak. And most everyone I know is carrying the scars of a relationship gone bad. Jesus communities are famous for this. Someone saying something they shouldn't have. Judgement called down. Painful wounds inflicted. Scars carried forever. Someone leaves, sometimes forever.
So we shy away from saying anything. But is that the Jesus way? I really don't know. On the one hand, I believe God is big enough to do whatever work is necessary. On the other hand, my life has been truly blessed (and transformation enhanced) by people I love, who took that very risk and spoke with love the hard stuff to me. I can still name the people and the situations. They called me accountable to who I said I wanted to be, and held a mirror up to me. I loved them, and while I was angry for a while, I knew they were telling me the truth and shining light on something I would rather pretend wasn't there.
But I too have had those other experiences. Where I feel judged, and not enough, and like the yardstick has been placed beside me to show me just how little I am and how far I fall short.
*SIGH and double sigh*
So I don't really have an answer here. I do know, as Jesus followers, we all are to "take on the mind, spirit and attitude of Christ"** and I know that old destructive patterns are not that attitude. So how do we call each other to be all that we are created to be and leave the judgement in the trash outside? How do we love people into kingdom life? How do we heal old hurts and help each other move further and deeper into Christ? How do we balance "being real" with living "transformed" lives?
K
**Philippians 2:5
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Always learning
I was at work the other day and I over heard a couple of tennis players chatting. One player was clearly advanced in her ability yet she was telling the newby that she had scheduled a number of lessons with a tennis pro in Seattle. The newer player exclaimed "Really??? YOU still take lessons? I'm shocked!" The more advanced player smiled kindly and said simply "Now I know enough to know I need guidance to play my best game. After a couple of lessons, I find I am excited to play again. I'm always learning."
Wow. That spoke volumes to me. Now I'm no tennis player, but I am a student of Christ. A Jesus follower. And I have been hanging out with and around Jesus followers for a while now... I gotta tell you, it's not often I hear anyone say they need to go study with someone, to get some "guidance"" so to speak, to be "on their game". Nope. Mostly it's just folks thinking they have the "formula" or "recipe" down pat. We memorize scripture, we know our theology and our history. Not to say there haven't been times when we were vibrantly alive and involved with our faith. But for the most part the passion has settled into a comfortable routine with God. Now maybe that's because I'm a Baptist and we are kinda big on the whole "priesthood of believers" thing... but maybe we Jesus followers just get comfortable with what we (think we) know, bad habits and all. Me included.
So where would I go? Who would I want to spend time with? Well, I'm kinda a fan of "the old dead guys," so for me the first place I would go is probably Camp Bethel, toting a pile of books with writings of the Saints of old and some great music (hymns). No phone, no television, just books, music, prayer, God and me. Maybe after a week or two, I could feel that passion anew and have a centered focus renewed. Ahhh, but then, I had a client tell me about a Catholic retreat center outside Tucson that you can stay for contemplative time. The minimum stay is 30 days and you can stay up to 4 months. Now while you might think me nuts, I am strangely attracted to it. Not sure how long I could stay. I imagine, like prayer, you should probably start out small, and work you way up to longer and longer times. But I'm thinking it would probably take me a week to just clear my head and sleep. Then I might be open to what the Spirit had to say. I have visions of a time set aside like that as being pivotal.
Perhaps as Lent moves towards Good Friday, this is all a good reminder for me to plan time to "get some guidance" and refresh my soul (my "game" so to speak). Perhaps I need to make myself available for God to be at work in me. Even Michelangelo at age 87 said "I am still learning". I should be so blessed.
K
Wow. That spoke volumes to me. Now I'm no tennis player, but I am a student of Christ. A Jesus follower. And I have been hanging out with and around Jesus followers for a while now... I gotta tell you, it's not often I hear anyone say they need to go study with someone, to get some "guidance"" so to speak, to be "on their game". Nope. Mostly it's just folks thinking they have the "formula" or "recipe" down pat. We memorize scripture, we know our theology and our history. Not to say there haven't been times when we were vibrantly alive and involved with our faith. But for the most part the passion has settled into a comfortable routine with God. Now maybe that's because I'm a Baptist and we are kinda big on the whole "priesthood of believers" thing... but maybe we Jesus followers just get comfortable with what we (think we) know, bad habits and all. Me included.
So where would I go? Who would I want to spend time with? Well, I'm kinda a fan of "the old dead guys," so for me the first place I would go is probably Camp Bethel, toting a pile of books with writings of the Saints of old and some great music (hymns). No phone, no television, just books, music, prayer, God and me. Maybe after a week or two, I could feel that passion anew and have a centered focus renewed. Ahhh, but then, I had a client tell me about a Catholic retreat center outside Tucson that you can stay for contemplative time. The minimum stay is 30 days and you can stay up to 4 months. Now while you might think me nuts, I am strangely attracted to it. Not sure how long I could stay. I imagine, like prayer, you should probably start out small, and work you way up to longer and longer times. But I'm thinking it would probably take me a week to just clear my head and sleep. Then I might be open to what the Spirit had to say. I have visions of a time set aside like that as being pivotal.
Perhaps as Lent moves towards Good Friday, this is all a good reminder for me to plan time to "get some guidance" and refresh my soul (my "game" so to speak). Perhaps I need to make myself available for God to be at work in me. Even Michelangelo at age 87 said "I am still learning". I should be so blessed.
K
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Those pesky persistent things...
Tonight at Emmaus Mark asked us to ponder "What is wrong with our world today?"
Oh my where to begin...
Wars? Poverty? Greed? The plethora of social justice issues? Power hungry politicians that sell out their people to maintain the status quo or gain even more power or wealth? Corporations greedily enhancing their profit margins at the expense of human beings or the ecosystem ? People too afraid of law suits so they won't do "the right" thing? Parents too busy with their lives to parent? Teachers too overwhelmed by student load to effectively teach? The list can go on and on.
Now I'm no rocket scientist... but as pressing and important as any one of those issues may be, somehow, I don't think they are "what's wrong" with our world. I would submit it is as old as the garden of Eden. In my humble opinion, "what's wrong", may boil down to just a couple of pesky, persistent things...
So here we go... Feel free to disagree... I won't be offended.
First and foremost I think it's selfishness. I know for me, at the core of who I am, when I am most honest with myself, I want my own way. And that's not enough, I want you to want it too! Somehow, I don't think this makes me special or different than most folks wandering the globe today. When I look at the list above, I think pretty much the whole thing falls into this category, doesn't it? If you have doubts, browse any bookstore (Christian or secular), aisle after aisle of self help books on how to get what you want out of life. A prominent television preacher even published a best seller on how to have your "best" life. And he gives it to you in seven easy steps! (As if the life you currently have is less than "best"? Really?) So there you have it! Seven steps to have YOUR best life. Hmmm. The reality that we are so consistently drawn to information, philosophies and self help guru's (inside or outside Christendom) surely reinforces this point. We are told to "visualize our reality" and "put out in the universe" or my personal favorite, "pray for God's best blessing" on what you want, whether it be a huge new house or a new shiny new Rolls Royce.
We really aren't a selfless people are we.
But as bad as that is, I'm not sure that's the worst of it. It feels like there is a more dangerous game afloat. An increasing attitude that I would say could certainly be called a new hedonism. It is more and more culturally acceptable for us as individuals to focus on our pleasure. If someone is uncomfortable, for almost any reason, for me to be around, I don't have to. Culturally, I can effectively validate almost any type of self-absorbed, pleasure-centered behavior. After all, it's my right isn't it? ... To pursue happiness... pleasure. Self-indulged, immediate, satisfying pleasure. Isn't it? Almost daily there are glaring examples either in the news or in some online article being promoted. And Christians are right there in the thick of it. Who could expect us to be any different? We are bombarded daily with images and words supporting this new hedonism. Troubling to be sure.
Is that who we are called to be? Selfish, pleasure seeking individuals? Surely God has a better life for us than this shallow shell of one we have settled for! Surely in God's realm, "the other" matters. Surely in God's plan, sacrifice and perseverance lead to maturity. Surely I am called to live beyond this base level that any of mankind can settle for. Surely there is a place for selfless love and mercy. Surely grace redeems hearts. Surely forgiveness heals wounds.
Oh Lent. Such a time of reflection. May it lead to growth in grace and love.
K
Oh my where to begin...
Wars? Poverty? Greed? The plethora of social justice issues? Power hungry politicians that sell out their people to maintain the status quo or gain even more power or wealth? Corporations greedily enhancing their profit margins at the expense of human beings or the ecosystem ? People too afraid of law suits so they won't do "the right" thing? Parents too busy with their lives to parent? Teachers too overwhelmed by student load to effectively teach? The list can go on and on.
Now I'm no rocket scientist... but as pressing and important as any one of those issues may be, somehow, I don't think they are "what's wrong" with our world. I would submit it is as old as the garden of Eden. In my humble opinion, "what's wrong", may boil down to just a couple of pesky, persistent things...
So here we go... Feel free to disagree... I won't be offended.
First and foremost I think it's selfishness. I know for me, at the core of who I am, when I am most honest with myself, I want my own way. And that's not enough, I want you to want it too! Somehow, I don't think this makes me special or different than most folks wandering the globe today. When I look at the list above, I think pretty much the whole thing falls into this category, doesn't it? If you have doubts, browse any bookstore (Christian or secular), aisle after aisle of self help books on how to get what you want out of life. A prominent television preacher even published a best seller on how to have your "best" life. And he gives it to you in seven easy steps! (As if the life you currently have is less than "best"? Really?) So there you have it! Seven steps to have YOUR best life. Hmmm. The reality that we are so consistently drawn to information, philosophies and self help guru's (inside or outside Christendom) surely reinforces this point. We are told to "visualize our reality" and "put out in the universe" or my personal favorite, "pray for God's best blessing" on what you want, whether it be a huge new house or a new shiny new Rolls Royce.
We really aren't a selfless people are we.
But as bad as that is, I'm not sure that's the worst of it. It feels like there is a more dangerous game afloat. An increasing attitude that I would say could certainly be called a new hedonism. It is more and more culturally acceptable for us as individuals to focus on our pleasure. If someone is uncomfortable, for almost any reason, for me to be around, I don't have to. Culturally, I can effectively validate almost any type of self-absorbed, pleasure-centered behavior. After all, it's my right isn't it? ... To pursue happiness... pleasure. Self-indulged, immediate, satisfying pleasure. Isn't it? Almost daily there are glaring examples either in the news or in some online article being promoted. And Christians are right there in the thick of it. Who could expect us to be any different? We are bombarded daily with images and words supporting this new hedonism. Troubling to be sure.
Is that who we are called to be? Selfish, pleasure seeking individuals? Surely God has a better life for us than this shallow shell of one we have settled for! Surely in God's realm, "the other" matters. Surely in God's plan, sacrifice and perseverance lead to maturity. Surely I am called to live beyond this base level that any of mankind can settle for. Surely there is a place for selfless love and mercy. Surely grace redeems hearts. Surely forgiveness heals wounds.
Oh Lent. Such a time of reflection. May it lead to growth in grace and love.
K
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Lent-Colbert Style
We're big Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert fans at our house. So after a long day which including setting up for the Ash Wednesday service as well as facilitating the service, it was nice to decompress a bit by going out for a post-Ash dinner with about half a dozen of the Emmaus House community. After some good conversation and a yummy curry dish, I went home to check on the family. It had been a pretty tough day for Kathleen and she was exhausted so she ended going to bed early. I too was feeling the tiredness of the day, but I still was kind of wound-up, so I watched a little TV and watched Stewart and Colbert. I found myself drifting in and out until I heard Colbert make the following statement:
"The ash on my forehead is a Christian symbol of sacrifice, penance and mortality. It's basically the hand stamp for God's nightclub."
It made me laugh outloud. Colbert does that for me. He is so honest, and witty and insightful and irreverent and faith-full all rolled up into this on-air persona. Plus, he's just hysterical to listen to. Outside of TV land, Colbert is a man of faith, of the Catholic persuasion, who is transparent enough to make light of those who claim to follow God through Christ, and who sometimes miss the mark. His assessments of the faithful plays out in an "adventures in missing the point" (stealing the title of a Tony Campolo/Brian McClaren book) lampoon. Why can't we see our brokenness played out in our faith journey, where more often than not, we miss the point of how Jesus lived as well as what he taught?
Sacrifice...penance...mortality. That's pretty weighty stuff. Who would want to go to that kind of nightclub? Seems pretty depressing and dismal to me. I bet the only kind of music they would play is dirges. But maybe that's the point of Lent. No, not all of that murky, dark, depressing thing, I can get that anytime. Maybe Lent is more about saying that for the next 40 days I will intentionally live, examine and focus on the ways "sacrifice, penance and mortality" are being played out in my life as well as the faith communities I/we belong to.
We often forget that there are two sides to God's kingdom. One one side of the coin there is sacrifice, penance and mortality but those lead to the other side, which is freedom, forgiveness and life. Those three things, freedom, forgiveness and life is pretty good stuff. Those latter three things make me smile and laugh and make me pretty hopeful for whatever tomorrow brings me. Freedom, forgiveness and life reminds me that God's nightclub is multi-faceted with a variety of styles and rhythms that are being played out all around us.
So if you want to know what Lent is about, from this American Baptist perspective, take a clue from Stephen Colbert and focus on sacrifice, penance and mortality. If you do, you just find the other side of resurrection day: freedom, forgiveness and life! May you rock the next 40 days my friends!
-M-
"The ash on my forehead is a Christian symbol of sacrifice, penance and mortality. It's basically the hand stamp for God's nightclub."
It made me laugh outloud. Colbert does that for me. He is so honest, and witty and insightful and irreverent and faith-full all rolled up into this on-air persona. Plus, he's just hysterical to listen to. Outside of TV land, Colbert is a man of faith, of the Catholic persuasion, who is transparent enough to make light of those who claim to follow God through Christ, and who sometimes miss the mark. His assessments of the faithful plays out in an "adventures in missing the point" (stealing the title of a Tony Campolo/Brian McClaren book) lampoon. Why can't we see our brokenness played out in our faith journey, where more often than not, we miss the point of how Jesus lived as well as what he taught?
Sacrifice...penance...mortality. That's pretty weighty stuff. Who would want to go to that kind of nightclub? Seems pretty depressing and dismal to me. I bet the only kind of music they would play is dirges. But maybe that's the point of Lent. No, not all of that murky, dark, depressing thing, I can get that anytime. Maybe Lent is more about saying that for the next 40 days I will intentionally live, examine and focus on the ways "sacrifice, penance and mortality" are being played out in my life as well as the faith communities I/we belong to.
We often forget that there are two sides to God's kingdom. One one side of the coin there is sacrifice, penance and mortality but those lead to the other side, which is freedom, forgiveness and life. Those three things, freedom, forgiveness and life is pretty good stuff. Those latter three things make me smile and laugh and make me pretty hopeful for whatever tomorrow brings me. Freedom, forgiveness and life reminds me that God's nightclub is multi-faceted with a variety of styles and rhythms that are being played out all around us.
So if you want to know what Lent is about, from this American Baptist perspective, take a clue from Stephen Colbert and focus on sacrifice, penance and mortality. If you do, you just find the other side of resurrection day: freedom, forgiveness and life! May you rock the next 40 days my friends!
-M-
Monday, February 28, 2011
Feet of Jello
I'm still trying to get my feet under me. There are things I know to be true in my mind and heart and yet, I still have this churning of uneasiness as if I don't quite have my footing. It is as if at any moment, I could slide down a steep hill into a huge pool of angry water. (Picture an over sized washing machine gone mad) Sounds like a bad Alice in Wonderland adventure doesn't it?
It's not that any one particular thing is hanging around looking for ways to trip me, no this is more an irrational feeling linked to emotional, physical and spiritual exhaustion. It could almost be described as fear but is probably more accurately described as a feeling of not being enough. A feeling of not being strong enough, wise enough, spiritual enough, fit enough, organized enough... well, you get the picture.
Life, well everything really, feels risky when you feel like you are not enough. Basic, simple tasks seem daunting. I second guess most decisions, even silly ones like what product to get at the grocery store. My nerves are a bit fried and I don't laugh as easily as I did a while ago. And I snap at my family. All in all, I am, once again, a mess.
It's not a new feeling. I've been here before. The thing I notice in getting older, is knowing that this unsettling feeling won't last for ever. It too will go one day. I have weathered a storm like this before. However, for the record, let me say clearly: I didn't like it then and I don't like it now.
The good news in all of this is: I do know, absolutely that God's love and grace are with me in my churning, uneasy, mess of a self. I need not run or hide. I need not pretend to have it all together. I know that God is big enough to handle all of the mess that is me. I know it better than I know my name because I have experienced it in those earlier storms. It is times like these that I am reminded that I am loved not for what I "can do for" God (silly thought isn't it?), but I am loved because I am, and God understands me and my journey far better than I do.
St. John Chrysostom said: God is not ignorant of anything that happens in creation, and if God loves us more truly than the best human father, and if God loves us so as to number our very hairs, then we need not be afraid.... He already knows the secrets of your heart.
I believe that. I believe God is not ignorant of anything that happens. I believe God loves us better than the best human father. I believe God knows the secrets of my heart. And I believe God is at work for good. Even if it doesn't feel like it.
Okay, so my feet may indeed be jello right now, but stay tuned, God is pretty creative, no telling what's coming...
K
It's not that any one particular thing is hanging around looking for ways to trip me, no this is more an irrational feeling linked to emotional, physical and spiritual exhaustion. It could almost be described as fear but is probably more accurately described as a feeling of not being enough. A feeling of not being strong enough, wise enough, spiritual enough, fit enough, organized enough... well, you get the picture.
Life, well everything really, feels risky when you feel like you are not enough. Basic, simple tasks seem daunting. I second guess most decisions, even silly ones like what product to get at the grocery store. My nerves are a bit fried and I don't laugh as easily as I did a while ago. And I snap at my family. All in all, I am, once again, a mess.
It's not a new feeling. I've been here before. The thing I notice in getting older, is knowing that this unsettling feeling won't last for ever. It too will go one day. I have weathered a storm like this before. However, for the record, let me say clearly: I didn't like it then and I don't like it now.
The good news in all of this is: I do know, absolutely that God's love and grace are with me in my churning, uneasy, mess of a self. I need not run or hide. I need not pretend to have it all together. I know that God is big enough to handle all of the mess that is me. I know it better than I know my name because I have experienced it in those earlier storms. It is times like these that I am reminded that I am loved not for what I "can do for" God (silly thought isn't it?), but I am loved because I am, and God understands me and my journey far better than I do.
St. John Chrysostom said: God is not ignorant of anything that happens in creation, and if God loves us more truly than the best human father, and if God loves us so as to number our very hairs, then we need not be afraid.... He already knows the secrets of your heart.
I believe that. I believe God is not ignorant of anything that happens. I believe God loves us better than the best human father. I believe God knows the secrets of my heart. And I believe God is at work for good. Even if it doesn't feel like it.
Okay, so my feet may indeed be jello right now, but stay tuned, God is pretty creative, no telling what's coming...
K
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